Wednesday, January 2, 2013


This entry is just for you. For now, it's set so only you can see it, because this level of feeling on my part makes me feel too vulnerable to expose myself to anyone else. Maybe with you someday I will be brave enough to let everyone see how I feel, maybe as I take this journey of self-exploration I will learn that people seeing the emotions that I consider my weaknesses is not a dangerous thing. For now, it's just for you.

There is nothing in this world that you could have offered to me more seductive than the idea of a permanent attachment and the life and family that I thought I had lost forever when my ex-husband died. No, there was no chance we would ever be together again; even though we stayed friends, the man left me twice, and twice is twice too much. But I really believed deep down inside that he was the best chance I had at being loved and cherished taken care of throughout my life. And that is what I want: to be loved and cherished and taken care of. It's quite unacceptable in this day and age for a woman to stand up and announce that what she wants is to be kept by someone, that she is willing to be the subservient one, that she wouldn't mind being the Mom and staying home to nurture her family, however it is comprised.

The truth is, I'm too smart for my own good, but lack the ambition or single-minded obsession that would allow me to really excell in a specialized field.

Which is just a fancy excuse for being afraid. Afraid of both failure and success, of being shown that in reality I'm just not as smart or talented as I think I am. Which is why the writing is such a big deal to me right now, because the only thing that has kept me from being a working, money-earning, day-job quitting professional writer is the fact that I haven't finished anything. Because even though I say I can write, what if I finish something and no one likes it and I get told that I should really go be a game warden of something?

But I digress. Although all of that mental baggage is certainly pertinent to the situation, it's only peripheral. The important thing is this: I have a history of jumping into relationships (which this, while not what I am used to, certainly is) and giving everything I have to someone with very little information on which to go. I met my ex-husband at the end of September, moved in with him just after Christmas, and had committed to marry him and move halfway across the country by February.

I feel exactly the same with you at this early part of our acquaintance as I did with him at the corresponding point in that relationship. And that is the most awe-inspiring and terrifying feeling in the world.

So these are my questions, all the serious things that I came up with tonight while smiling at strangers and giving them wine.
What exactly is your definition of vanilla? Are you talking about sexuality and sex games and the like, or are you also referring to the normal day by day stuff that comprises life?

Do you understand, really understand, that more than anything in this world what I want if I have a child is a relationship that is a family, with everyone living together and nurturing and caring for each other, all the normal old-fashioned stuff that people now save for tv sit-coms and don't really believe can exist?

Is your intention to eventually have increased my submissiveness to the point that I will be agreeable to all of the things you enjoy, even the ones that I have already said I have no interest in or no understanding of?

Did I ever actually tell you being deeply entranced is like a drug to me and that I miss is more and more because your focus seems to be more and more on preset triggers?

Can you accept the fact that in public or in family situations I would prefer to almost always be treated/seen as your equal, while in private, especially the bedroom, submitting to you utterly?

Because you have managed in one week to get so far under my skin that these are the things that I am struggling with. And several of them are deal-breakers if we aren't in agreement.

But the biggest question of all, the biggest deal breaker of all, is about love. Because I don't want to be your slave permanently if I fall in love with you and your feelings towards me are that of an owner to a possession, or only the fondness that a master feels for a favorite pet. And the moment I asked you about children I kicked the door that seperates me just having fun from me committing my heart and soul wide open.

I went back and read the transcript of this afternoon's chat, and every single word was clear. I thought that I'd remembered it all and had to go back to check, just to make sure I wasn't tricking myself somehow. So even though these are the kinds of questions that I really prefer to ask you face to face (I mean in the same physical location as each other) I am asking them here, because you yourself made it possible for me to think of them and then ask them. I want to be able to discuss them all with you, seriously and thoroughly, so that the steps forward that I take from here are heading in the right direction for me.

(Also, if you're interested, I started to go under again while reading the transcript in the exact same place as before, and probably sat here for a good 15 minutes just thinking this through. I'm not under now.)

No comments:

Post a Comment