Wednesday, January 2, 2013

What I Can't Articulate

I feel stupid when I talk with you. Please don't mistake me; you do not make me feel stupid. And to me, "stupid", may mean something different to what it means to you. Growing up, in my family "stupid" meant "not using the brain god gave you." Everyone else seemed to think that stupid equalled unintelligent. My family is quite tolerant of unintelligent people, especially when they think to their full potential. So please believe me when I say I do not feel unintelligent in your presence.

I feel stupid when I talk with you. I feel like I can't access my brain. Words that I can easily write don't exist for me in speech. When I do think of them, I can't seem to chain them together. It really scares me, misplacing my mind. I told you that I don't get scared by tangible things, but I am absolutely terrified by the abstract. I didn't realize how frightened I could be of myself until last night.

I feel stupid when I talk with you. I am making life-encompassing decisions with barely any forethought. I am making choices based on little or no information and trusting that you are someone safe. That you are someone honest. I do not do this. I do not do this. But this journey of mine, this trek through the wilderness, is about embracing the unknown. It's about recognizing that what I always thought were weaknesses are actually integral parts of my essential self, without which I have been unable to function as a complete and fulfilled being.
I am terrified.

I am titillated.

I am so very, very ignorant.
I feel stupid when I talk with you. I know nothing about this environment into which I am trying to insert myself. I have been welcomed. People keep using the word "safe" when greeting me, which both reassures and unnerves me. What is becoming clear is that in your world I am prey. I am prey and I am too ignorant to recognize the predators. I need a teacher, a guide, a mentor, a friend. Are you these things? You are the first person with whom I interacted. Why did I bond so quickly with you? Why are there so many whys? I feel like I'm lost because I don't know what the rules are and I don't know how much power is mine and how much power is yours. I feel like a fraud because triggers don't always work. Am I doing something wrong? Am I going to displease you? Am I risking not being accepted because I don't do things right?

I feel stupid when I talk with you. I have spent all day clenching in anticipation while at the same time being scared half out of my mind. I long for this and I dread it. I want it and I want to run from it
But my fantasy is to be terrified. So I have precisely what I want. Which terrifies me even more.

No comments:

Post a Comment