Here's a side effect of having new experiences and making friends that physically live far, far away. When something horrible is happening in their lives, there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it. This is when people pray or chant or send good vibes or whatever floats your boat, and all I can do is sit and wait and be ready to listen when needed. I want to give in, I want to succumb to the urge to believe that something I think here can effect someone hundreds of miles away. I want to embrace everything I believed as a child, that I can feel someone's pain from so very away, that I can touch them without touching, that I can fix it or heal it or change it just by wishing for it.
It's not true. None of it can possibly be true.
I used to believe that if I sat quietly with my eyes closed and just listened that I could feel the pain of the world around me. That every time someone cried if I listened just right I could cry along with them. That I could tell when someone was in pain just by walking past them. That I could reach out and touch whatever was hurting them and feel it for myself.
Until one day I couldn't. Until one day I didn't care about those around me. Until one day I became content to be alone. Until one day I accepted my inability to deal with more than one person at a time. Until one day it occurred to me that I couldn't be hurt because it
Until one day
when I can't tell if I am merely feeling sympathy or actually feeling what someone else is feeling. So I think I'll sit here and be quietly terrified at the return of something that doesn't exist.