Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Solipsist's Lament

Here's a side effect of having new experiences and making friends that physically live far, far away.  When something horrible is happening in their lives, there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it.  This is when people pray or chant or send good vibes or whatever floats your boat, and all I can do is sit and wait and be ready to listen when needed.  I want to give in, I want to succumb to the urge to believe that something I think here can effect someone hundreds of miles away.  I want to embrace everything I believed as a child, that I can feel someone's pain from so very away, that I can touch them without touching, that I can fix it or heal it or change it just by wishing for it.

It's not true.  None of it can possibly be true. 

I used to believe that if I sat quietly with my eyes closed and just listened that I could feel the pain of the world around me.  That every time someone cried if I listened just right I could cry along with them.  That I could tell when someone was in pain just by walking past them.  That I could reach out and touch whatever was hurting them and feel it for myself.

Until one day I couldn't.  Until one day I didn't care about those around me.  Until one day I became content to be alone.  Until one day I accepted my inability to deal with more than one person at a time.  Until one day it occurred to me that I couldn't be hurt because it

Until one day
when I can't tell if I am merely feeling sympathy or actually feeling what someone else is feeling.  So I think I'll sit here and be quietly terrified at the return of something that doesn't exist.

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