I have a few rules about how I write, which extend by association to how I present myself in the hypno community at large.
First of all, for those of you who aren't aware, Noelle Carson Nicholson is my pen name. I use it on my favorite hypno sites because I wanted to remain anonymous but still be treated like a person. For whatever reason I felt that if I chose a clever user name that was a pun, or a character, or something along those lines that I would be treated as less than human. Likely silly, I know, but that is how I felt.
Likewise, in writing this blog I made a decision to be completely honest in whatever I wrote, so that even though the name I presented was a little bit of a lie, the 'me' that I presented would be complete truth. I have done that. I have posted things that are incredibly hard for me to share, things that are embarassing, things that are painful, things that hit me so close to my breaking point that the only way I can do it is because I have the tiny camouflage of that fake name.
Some people know who I really am. I felt like, if we got close enough, that if I trusted them enough to let them rummage around inside my head on a regular basis, that it was only fair and right that I share my true self with them. This is always a giant step for me, and one that I don't make lightly, and with a huge amount of fear and trepidation. It never occurs to me that it's a foolish thing to do, that if something goes wrong then someone who I don't want knowing me any more knows exactly who I am.
It hurts more knowing he knows me.
It hurts knowing that I am the brave one, and that I am the one who tries, and that I am the one willing to risk even when it hurts.
It hurts knowing that when I stand up for myself the response is abandonment.
It hurts knowing that I am the grown up.
This feeling is why I was so scared to expose myself to the world in the first place. This feeling of betrayal, this sense that I am not worth enough in his eyes to speak to, to try for, to be truthful to.
Yes. This is extremely vague.
Because even though I am being honest about how I feel, I will not break his trust the way he has obliterated mine.
Because I am the god damn grown up.