I have a way of dealing with potentially embarassing situations. I prefer to put things out in the open before anyone else can, that way it's me who starts the rumor, me that feels in control of an essentially uncontrollable situation. The situation I am in now is so utterly out of my control that all I want to do is lash out with everything I have and cause as much pain as I have been caused. I want to cause ruin. I want to create a cataclysm. I want to blow a crater a million miles down into the world and sink everything I'm feeling as well as the person who made me feel this way so deep that there is no chance for recovery. Because the most embarassing thing that could happen to me now would be for him to decide that this sacrifice of my friendship was too much, that he went too far, that he regrets his loss of me and wants my friendship back. Because I would accept it.
So. This is my dilemma: do I live in hope, hating myself for being willing to even entertain the thought of putting myself back into his circle, or do I burn every bridge leading to him so completely that the possibility of hope is eradicated?
How many people do I hurt in an attempt to protect myself?
And now I have to go to work. So I have all day to write in my head, and then to decide just how much havok I would cause in trying to save myself.
The thing is, while people make mistakes, they don't really change. A person who would do that to you once, would do it again.
ReplyDeleteI know. But I am not objective at all right now, and I know myself and my tendency to want to give people chances even when I shouldn't. You are right, he would do it again and again, whenever things go too hard for him to cope with, but knowing that intellectually doesn't help right now.
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