Meandering

I was really, properly grateful at work today for the time that I have spent learning about/experiencing hypnosis.  Right around two thirds of the way through the day I hit the wall big time and just wanted to keel over and nap.  On top of that, my neck and shoulders have been super tight and tense for about a month and a half now, mostly from stress, and I was sitting there between shifts feeling my muscles get tighter and tighter and really wishing that I had access to anyone at all who could put me under and help me relax.

It took me longer than it should have to realize that I could do it for myself.  (I get slightly stupid when I'm tired.  And hungry, for that matter, but that's another story.)  So, roughly 30 minutes later, crisis averted, and onward with my evening.  But I wish it hadn't come to that.

The fact of the matter is that I really miss the kind of trance-life that I used to have.  And even though I've learned valuable lessons and grown as a person because of my experiences and all those other pithy and pathetic cliches that one can use I really fucking detest the fact that I am now in a place where I have trouble trusting people and second-guessing almost everyone.  I am incredibly tempted to just throw myself to the sharks and see what happens; I'm too smart for that, really, but god the temptation!

And for anyone who might be curious, yes, the insomnia is back.  Too many thoughts in my head, too many fears in my mind, too much pain in my heart; it all goes around and around and around.  I think that maybe someday I will get control over it; I'm hopeful anyway.

So.  I've had a song stuck in my head for about a week now:  "I'm not missing you at all, since you've been gone away.  And there's a heart that's breaking, down this long-distance line tonight.  I'm not missing you at all."  Etc, Etc, Etc.  It's a great song (the original version, the Brooks and Dunn cover...not so much...)  And it applies to an awful lot of things and people in my life that I have had to walk away from or let go of or bury.  And I know that everyone's life consists of chains of events and people and things that will be left behind as we meander through our individual journeys.  Sometimes we get lucky and our wanderings cross the path of someone else and we can meander together for a small while.

And sometimes when we are truly blessed beyond belief we can meander with some of those people forever.  Our family, our friends, our loves, the people that make the journey worthwhile and the destination worth striving for.

I would like to be that lucky.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm Here

There's nothing quite like going to bed sad and slightly turned on for ruining sleep.  And I did try to sleep, I really did, I was asleep, I'm almost positive.

Until I wasn't anymore.

Times like right now are when I actually feel my age.  All the achy places that I know 20 years from now will be the problem places where I might need surgery bother me a little more.  (I swear my skin looks just a little more wrinkled too right now, but I don't care as much about that.)  All the oddities of behavior that are uniquely mine, the little tics that I won't want to control or won't be able to control later are just a little stronger right now.  The only reason it bothers me is I can see in my mind's eye what kind of an eccentric old woman I shall be, and it's perilously close to the kind of scary crone that small children avoid and older children dare each other to hurl stones at.

Bah.  How ironic is is that in order to have a really satisfying experience with trance I need to feel like I can completely trust someone yet there is such a giant lack of people whom I feel I can completely trust elsewhere in my life?  The point where the two lives meet has proven problematic (thank you so much Joss Whedon for introducing that word into my life.)  Times like this I can't quite remember why I thought it was such a good idea to throw myself out into the world in the first place.

But I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.