Something About Sleeping

"Something about sleeping?"  I asked.  He smiled and just continued with the conversation, eventually saying good night and signing off.  The yawns that had begun to overtake me moments before continued, unabated, as I got ready for bed, wondering how on earth he had done this wonderful thing.  And after climbing into bed and sliding between the sheets, my whole body just seemed to collapse in on itself; I might have, no, I must have been asleep within minutes, but only the cat knows and she's not telling.


I have always had a terrible relationship with sleep, this I have made clear before now.  I won't dwell on my past reactions to insomnia or reiterate anything I've said before.  Instead, I want to address what caused the problem in the first place.

Or rather, in the second place.  I have no idea what caused the problem when I was a child, I just remember not being able to sleep.  But as a teenager and upwards I'm reasonably certain that it's fear to do too much of something that I like too much coupled with the thought that I might not come back from it.  (Not death per se, for those of you remembering right now that sometimes people have referred to sleep as a little death.  I have no problem with the other thing called a little death either, nor am I scared to die.)  No what worries me is that I'll come back  different, changed, not myself somehow.

Ironic, isn't it?

I am discovering that this is also my number one fear with hypnosis:  coming back different and changed and not myself.  I don't my mind being fiddled with, I just don't want it taken away.  No matter how many times I say or think that I would like to try being blank and mindless and everything that goes along with it, when the time came my subconscious balked.

It's why I don't experiment with drugs.  Or drink too often.  Because I already know I like it too much.

It's why there's at least one blog that I read for awhile and then ran from, screaming.  It was very very good, and very very dangerous. 

And it's ultimately why I am being so stubborn and persnickety about how people treat me when they are chatting me up about possibly trancing.

If I am going to let you try and take my mind from me, by GOD I am going to trust you to put it back when you're done with it.

(I have had several trance experiences recently for those of you keeping up with such things.  One panic button incident based on the above-mentioned issue, and not the fault of the tist; it was this incident that helped me narrow down what the issue actually is.  Several "meh, whatever", experiences, and two people who are loads and loads of fun.  (One of whom gets me to sleep, so let's be honest, he's my favorite.)

I'm Not Sure Why I'm Here

There's nothing quite like going to bed sad and slightly turned on for ruining sleep.  And I did try to sleep, I really did, I was asleep, I'm almost positive.

Until I wasn't anymore.

Times like right now are when I actually feel my age.  All the achy places that I know 20 years from now will be the problem places where I might need surgery bother me a little more.  (I swear my skin looks just a little more wrinkled too right now, but I don't care as much about that.)  All the oddities of behavior that are uniquely mine, the little tics that I won't want to control or won't be able to control later are just a little stronger right now.  The only reason it bothers me is I can see in my mind's eye what kind of an eccentric old woman I shall be, and it's perilously close to the kind of scary crone that small children avoid and older children dare each other to hurl stones at.

Bah.  How ironic is is that in order to have a really satisfying experience with trance I need to feel like I can completely trust someone yet there is such a giant lack of people whom I feel I can completely trust elsewhere in my life?  The point where the two lives meet has proven problematic (thank you so much Joss Whedon for introducing that word into my life.)  Times like this I can't quite remember why I thought it was such a good idea to throw myself out into the world in the first place.

But I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.