I have finally been inspired to write something erotic again. Hope you enjoy!
(The following contains sexual situations that may not be suitable for minors.)
Showing posts with label deeper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deeper. Show all posts
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Categories
Hello. I know it's been a while since I wrote something happy, or smutty, or happily smutty even, and I promise that those days are returning. I got a little depressed, a little enraged, a little cranky-and-out-of-sorts, which dialed my creativity down to -10, but I'm rebounding a little now. I have plans, ideas, topics even, and will write, at some point, about all of them. They can be broken down into categories (of course they can, I'm a compulsive maker of lists) as follows:
- Erotic - Three Points of View (views 2 and 3), Mirroring (not to be confused with 'Mirrors', a post I've already uploaded), On Kittens and Puppies, and Predators (which may or may not see the light of day.)
- Deeper (Yeah the book that started this all off lol) - I know how Jilly met Nathan now, and why the overly-cute waiter is important, and also it turns out that Karsten *really* likes mermaids.
- Subject's point of view - on trust, on proper after-care, on being observant, notes for hypnotists
Don't know which will be first, but something is coming, (and it's not winter.)
Also...there are frogs in my backyard.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Deeper - Chapter ? - First Draft
Jilly follows the tide as it moves in and out across the shore of her ocean. The water holds her up, lapping against her skin, coating the downy hair on her arms, weighing down her clothes, holding her immobile yet unafraid in the darkness. With every movement of the waves, every small swell of the tide, the water pulls at her feet, a little more each time, until finally her toes are pulled beneath the surface. The balance shifts, her world tilts, and she slides smoothly between the waves and into the depths.
She spins slowly downward;the silver lures on her Grandad's fishing line had spun like this, slowly spiralling through the water as they were pulled ever downward. Shining to light her own way, Jilly did the same, twisting in the currents and going around and around, lower through the limitless deep. She no longer knows if her eyes are open or closed; these waters are so dark that her eyes would be useless here. She relies on another sort of vision, letting her awareness drift and eddy around her, noting the other creatures that keep pace with her on her journey.
To her left, a cloudy horde of jellyfish, tentacles weaving messages of greeting to her as they propel themselves along her path. To her right, the eels, undulating like inky ribbons, sparks glistening along their edges as a warning to all who might approach.
Above, the great white predator, circling endlessly, ever-vigilant and ageless in its need to watch over her. And below, the massive whale, the dogfish, the holder of knowledge that waits for her to sink into its domain.
The whale floats unmoving below her, and Jilly finds to her surprise that a stone has been tied to her feet, that the stone is dragging her down to the whale, deeper than she ever could have managed without it. She draws even with the whale's great eye, and stares, fascinated, at this orb that dwarfs her body. It shines with its own light, just enough to illuminate her skin, and Jilly watches, awestruck, as her pale arm, glowing in the eye-light of the whale, begins to rise up to touch the skin of the beast. Before she can touch it, she sinks again, the current pulling her toward the front of the creature's head, the stone falling away from her feet as the whale seems to yawn, wider than the whole world, and pulls Jilly into the cavern of its mouth.
She spins slowly downward;the silver lures on her Grandad's fishing line had spun like this, slowly spiralling through the water as they were pulled ever downward. Shining to light her own way, Jilly did the same, twisting in the currents and going around and around, lower through the limitless deep. She no longer knows if her eyes are open or closed; these waters are so dark that her eyes would be useless here. She relies on another sort of vision, letting her awareness drift and eddy around her, noting the other creatures that keep pace with her on her journey.
To her left, a cloudy horde of jellyfish, tentacles weaving messages of greeting to her as they propel themselves along her path. To her right, the eels, undulating like inky ribbons, sparks glistening along their edges as a warning to all who might approach.
Above, the great white predator, circling endlessly, ever-vigilant and ageless in its need to watch over her. And below, the massive whale, the dogfish, the holder of knowledge that waits for her to sink into its domain.
The whale floats unmoving below her, and Jilly finds to her surprise that a stone has been tied to her feet, that the stone is dragging her down to the whale, deeper than she ever could have managed without it. She draws even with the whale's great eye, and stares, fascinated, at this orb that dwarfs her body. It shines with its own light, just enough to illuminate her skin, and Jilly watches, awestruck, as her pale arm, glowing in the eye-light of the whale, begins to rise up to touch the skin of the beast. Before she can touch it, she sinks again, the current pulling her toward the front of the creature's head, the stone falling away from her feet as the whale seems to yawn, wider than the whole world, and pulls Jilly into the cavern of its mouth.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
A Few Thoughts On Being A Science Project
Oh, the things about hypnosis that you don't learn from the media are so important! That includes popular entertainment as well as written research. Those things are entertaining, and in some cases accurately informative, but you never really know, just from reading, just what it is truly to be hypnotized.
I want to acknowledge that apparently I have a gift, hence the title of this entry. Every time I trance, every time, I end up thinking to myself "and again, I'm a science project." Sometimes it's because of something the hypnotist says to me, sometimes it's because of something I noticed in myself, but it always happens. I feel incredibly sad for the people whom I've gotten to meet since starting this journey who tell me they can't be tranced, but they want to. And some of them want to so very, very badly, and I am at a complete loss to explain what it is that makes me different to them. (And also different to a lot of other subjects as well.)
When I started, I thought it was simply a matter of wanting to succeed. I know better now. I thought it was a matter of just listening carefully and reacting to what I heard. And that's true, in part, but that's also a description of how to be an actor, and it's so much more than that as well. I thought a certain type of voice was important, or a certain kind of prose, or a certain kind of intent. All not important to me in the long run.
I have felt, as I believe I have mentioned before, like I'm swimming in an unfamiliar ocean surrounded by sharks. Because of this, I have made sure that certain safe guards are in play. (My panic button works just the way it's supposed to by the way.) And it's more important than ever that I have those safeguards, because I am starting to get just comfortable enough with my ocean and my circle of sharks that I'm starting to swim out to the open water a little bit. Just a tiny little bit, but you never know which shark is going to be the dangerous yet exciting yet good one, and which shark is going to be the one that grabs hold of my leg and drags me away, bleeding. (So if we are chatting and for some reason I call you a shark, but I'm not shutting things down, congratulations, you are apparently dangerous and exciting, but don't come across as bloodthirsty.)
I feel like I have enough data now to talk sensibly about my experiences as a subject. First: induction style. I can tell pretty quickly now if someone has been trained/certified rather than tried to pick it up as they went along. There's a certain cadence to the words, whether spoken or written, that stands out. And yes, I prefer those people, although I have also met several people who aren't officially trained/certified who were obviously well-educated and fun to read/listen to.
People keep asking me what style of induction works best for me. The honest answer is I still don't know enough about the subject to say. (Or to even know what people mean by 'style.') What I do know is that if I'm reading a script, it needs to be broken up into chunks, with some sort of rhythm and flow. If I'm in chat, it needs to be continuously feeding lines to which I can respond. And if it's person to person, well, I rather fancy pocketwatches, although that isn't necessary. But even the hardest to follow script worked for me. And in that case it really is because I wanted it to work. I wanted it to work so much that I helped it along, but was never truly satisfied because I was unable to completely let go. I could go into trance right now if I wanted to, and when I knew I would be encountering this particular person I made sure that I was already there every time.
So. How it feels to be a science project. You know those Japanese paper screens, the ones that slide, that they use instead of doors sometimes? I feel like there's a screen between me untranced and me entranced and at any given time all I have to do is reach out and slide the screen away. The paper is so thin that I really don't even need to slide it away, but the action of doing so just makes everything better.
I don't start off feeling light and floaty, although people seem to think I will. I feel like the world has dropped away beneath my feet, but that I am still sitting here solidly, even though there's no ground. I feel a flipping of the muscles through my core, starting at my groin and going all the way up the center of my body, kind of like that moment of vertigo when you first tilt over the top of a drop on a roller coaster. If I'm in chat, my arms get incredibly heavy resting on the keyboard; one of the ways I can tell I'm going deeper is when I am compelled to move them before they fall, and then bringing them back to the keys is a struggle because it feels like time in that small space between me and the keyboard has slowed to a different pace than everywhere else. And in chat, my eyes completely desert me. I need to have them open to read the words, but I have to have them shut to keep from being in pain, because blinking hurts. One eye is always out of sync with the other one, and even though I feel like I'm looking straight ahead when my eyes are shut, as soon as I open them I realize that they have shifted sideways somehow and only the opening of my eyelids can draw them back. It's hugely disconcerting. In a lot of ways, having to keep paying attention to the screen drags me deeper, because while I'm doing that my focus is distracted from everything else that may be happening to me. I sway a lot, I've felt like I'm underwater being moved back and forth by unseen currents, and I've also felt so completely impaired that it was like being frozen.
So in a lot of ways it's a relief to use Skype, where I don't have to worry about a pesky screen or a keyboard, and can be as relaxed and comfortable as necessary. My eyes don't bother me, although I can feel them moving under my eyelids, and my right hand has a tendency to twitch. This is when I feel light and floaty, when I am able to let everything go, and even then light and floaty aren't the best words, just the only available ones.
It's not like my body is asleep and my mind is awake, which is what some of the readings I've done have said. It's more like my body is asleep and my mind is observing while something else becomes stronger and more in charge. (And yes I know that that would be my subconscious, thanks.) It's a wonderful feeling, being asked questions while in that state. Ask me a question out of trance, and if it's something factual I will give you way more than you want to know, if it's something personal or an opinion then a lot of the time I am at a complete loss. But in trance it doesnt' matter how long it takes, eventually there will be an answer, and there's no thinking about it, it's just there, all I have to do is wait for it.
The most important aspect of me being a science project is the speed at which I go down. I cannot emphasize how important it is to have a good rapport with a hypnotist that you trust, because that, of course, helps, but even with people whom I've barely met, if I've decided it's okey for them to trance me it takes less than a paragraph. And person to person? Seconds. (And now I'm curious, I'm going to have to ask just how long it really was. But it felt like seconds.)
I feel like I'm not explaining this as well as I wanted to. I'm leaving a lot out, I know, but I'm hitting the highlights. I'll probably think of a ton of stuff later on to add, but for now I will ask that people who read this, if you have any (specific) questions, it would be really great if you could comment and I will try to answer.
Thanks!
I want to acknowledge that apparently I have a gift, hence the title of this entry. Every time I trance, every time, I end up thinking to myself "and again, I'm a science project." Sometimes it's because of something the hypnotist says to me, sometimes it's because of something I noticed in myself, but it always happens. I feel incredibly sad for the people whom I've gotten to meet since starting this journey who tell me they can't be tranced, but they want to. And some of them want to so very, very badly, and I am at a complete loss to explain what it is that makes me different to them. (And also different to a lot of other subjects as well.)
When I started, I thought it was simply a matter of wanting to succeed. I know better now. I thought it was a matter of just listening carefully and reacting to what I heard. And that's true, in part, but that's also a description of how to be an actor, and it's so much more than that as well. I thought a certain type of voice was important, or a certain kind of prose, or a certain kind of intent. All not important to me in the long run.
I have felt, as I believe I have mentioned before, like I'm swimming in an unfamiliar ocean surrounded by sharks. Because of this, I have made sure that certain safe guards are in play. (My panic button works just the way it's supposed to by the way.) And it's more important than ever that I have those safeguards, because I am starting to get just comfortable enough with my ocean and my circle of sharks that I'm starting to swim out to the open water a little bit. Just a tiny little bit, but you never know which shark is going to be the dangerous yet exciting yet good one, and which shark is going to be the one that grabs hold of my leg and drags me away, bleeding. (So if we are chatting and for some reason I call you a shark, but I'm not shutting things down, congratulations, you are apparently dangerous and exciting, but don't come across as bloodthirsty.)
I feel like I have enough data now to talk sensibly about my experiences as a subject. First: induction style. I can tell pretty quickly now if someone has been trained/certified rather than tried to pick it up as they went along. There's a certain cadence to the words, whether spoken or written, that stands out. And yes, I prefer those people, although I have also met several people who aren't officially trained/certified who were obviously well-educated and fun to read/listen to.
People keep asking me what style of induction works best for me. The honest answer is I still don't know enough about the subject to say. (Or to even know what people mean by 'style.') What I do know is that if I'm reading a script, it needs to be broken up into chunks, with some sort of rhythm and flow. If I'm in chat, it needs to be continuously feeding lines to which I can respond. And if it's person to person, well, I rather fancy pocketwatches, although that isn't necessary. But even the hardest to follow script worked for me. And in that case it really is because I wanted it to work. I wanted it to work so much that I helped it along, but was never truly satisfied because I was unable to completely let go. I could go into trance right now if I wanted to, and when I knew I would be encountering this particular person I made sure that I was already there every time.
So. How it feels to be a science project. You know those Japanese paper screens, the ones that slide, that they use instead of doors sometimes? I feel like there's a screen between me untranced and me entranced and at any given time all I have to do is reach out and slide the screen away. The paper is so thin that I really don't even need to slide it away, but the action of doing so just makes everything better.
I don't start off feeling light and floaty, although people seem to think I will. I feel like the world has dropped away beneath my feet, but that I am still sitting here solidly, even though there's no ground. I feel a flipping of the muscles through my core, starting at my groin and going all the way up the center of my body, kind of like that moment of vertigo when you first tilt over the top of a drop on a roller coaster. If I'm in chat, my arms get incredibly heavy resting on the keyboard; one of the ways I can tell I'm going deeper is when I am compelled to move them before they fall, and then bringing them back to the keys is a struggle because it feels like time in that small space between me and the keyboard has slowed to a different pace than everywhere else. And in chat, my eyes completely desert me. I need to have them open to read the words, but I have to have them shut to keep from being in pain, because blinking hurts. One eye is always out of sync with the other one, and even though I feel like I'm looking straight ahead when my eyes are shut, as soon as I open them I realize that they have shifted sideways somehow and only the opening of my eyelids can draw them back. It's hugely disconcerting. In a lot of ways, having to keep paying attention to the screen drags me deeper, because while I'm doing that my focus is distracted from everything else that may be happening to me. I sway a lot, I've felt like I'm underwater being moved back and forth by unseen currents, and I've also felt so completely impaired that it was like being frozen.
So in a lot of ways it's a relief to use Skype, where I don't have to worry about a pesky screen or a keyboard, and can be as relaxed and comfortable as necessary. My eyes don't bother me, although I can feel them moving under my eyelids, and my right hand has a tendency to twitch. This is when I feel light and floaty, when I am able to let everything go, and even then light and floaty aren't the best words, just the only available ones.
It's not like my body is asleep and my mind is awake, which is what some of the readings I've done have said. It's more like my body is asleep and my mind is observing while something else becomes stronger and more in charge. (And yes I know that that would be my subconscious, thanks.) It's a wonderful feeling, being asked questions while in that state. Ask me a question out of trance, and if it's something factual I will give you way more than you want to know, if it's something personal or an opinion then a lot of the time I am at a complete loss. But in trance it doesnt' matter how long it takes, eventually there will be an answer, and there's no thinking about it, it's just there, all I have to do is wait for it.
The most important aspect of me being a science project is the speed at which I go down. I cannot emphasize how important it is to have a good rapport with a hypnotist that you trust, because that, of course, helps, but even with people whom I've barely met, if I've decided it's okey for them to trance me it takes less than a paragraph. And person to person? Seconds. (And now I'm curious, I'm going to have to ask just how long it really was. But it felt like seconds.)
I feel like I'm not explaining this as well as I wanted to. I'm leaving a lot out, I know, but I'm hitting the highlights. I'll probably think of a ton of stuff later on to add, but for now I will ask that people who read this, if you have any (specific) questions, it would be really great if you could comment and I will try to answer.
Thanks!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Deeper - Chapter ? - First Draft
This scene is the first glimmer I had of a novel with hypnosis in it. For everyone who is used to my fiction being more erotic than this, please know that the book I intend to write will have some of that, but a lot of it will just be people interacting with people. And a lot of that will be happy people interacting with other happy people, but this is not that scene.
Nathan watched the line under his shoes as he walked. Every hallway in this hospital had a colored line leading from the elevators, from the stairs, directly to whichever area a vistitor needed to go. The line he followed was blue, meant to be soothing, he supposed, although it was silly to think that anyone would be looking down as they walked. Anyone other than himself anyway. But he had to keep watching his feet carry his body down the line, it was the only way he could get himself to keep moving forward.
They were clustered together, what must be her family, some holding paper coffee cups, some gripping crumpled tissues. They looked immovable, as if their grief had concentrated them into a solid wall that no outsider could ever breach. He almost turned back, considered pivoting on the spot and fleeing back the way he'd come, so he wouldn't have to face what was inside that room. But that was not an option.
He drew closer, and one by one the faces turned his way, some curious, some hostile, some not really seeing him, looking blankly through eyes that had cried too many tears. Nathan refused to let himself slow, and continued toward them, unconsciously remaining at the center of the blue line. One of the younger woman broke off, came toward him, extended her hand.
"Are you Nathan?" she asked, taking his hand in hers when he nodded. "I'm Meredith, we talked on the phone?" She had obviously been crying, her grey eyes were blood-shot and red-rimmed, but she smiled at him anyway. "She asked for you again this morning. I'm afraid the family doesn't really understand." She swung her hair back over her shoulder so she could look Nathan in the face. "You...don't really look how I expected. I hope you don't mind me saying that. You looking so...normal...will help I think."
Nathan sighed. "And how am I supposed to look? You were expecting some sort of monster? Someone who looked like a carnival freak or a drug addict? Yes, your sister and I know each other because of things that you don't understand and don't want to admit exist, but we're no less normal than you."
"I know that , and I'm sorry." the young woman apologized. "It's just so hard with her slipping away like this, and finding out she had this other life, this lifestyle, and so many people that are her friends that we never knew about, and now she wants to talk to all of you and not us..." Her voice got louder and higher the longer she talked until she began, quietly, to cry. Nathan gently took her in his arms and held her, surprised that she let him, but unable to ignore her pain. They stayed that way for just a few seconds, but it was enough for Meredith to collect herself. She pulled away and wiped her nose on a ragged kleenex, then said, "C'mon. I'll take you in now." She led Nathan past the family and through the door, blue like the stripe on the carpet.
Inside the room it was as if blue, or any other color, had never existed. Everything was white or grey, as if whoever had designed the room had wanted to avoid the stark contrast of black and white and had instead chosen to cloak the room in a strange homage to winter. Friends and family had obviously tried to brighten the place up; there were flowers and get-well cards on the deep window sill, and someone had strung a garland of paper flowers from the ceiling. The bed was off to one side, and was the only thing not bathed in white. Again the family must have been at work for the bedding was emerald green, glowing in the lights from the nearby machines.
The woman in the bed lay curled on her side. Like a child or a small animal, she seemed to be hiding from something that she couldn't see, and was making herself smaller to avoid being seen by it. Her strawberry blonde hair and pale skin stood out in glaring contrast to the green; Nathan knew it was her favorite color and had to stop and swallow hard seeing her like this. Her favorite picture to share with close friends had been of her reclining in a sea of emerald satin, but there the green brought out the color of her eyes and made her skin glow like a naiad recently escaped from the ocean, not like this sad transparent wreck of a woman.
"Hello, Jillybean," he said, smoothing back her hair. "I came as fast as I could." The bruised eyelids raised a sliver. She had been awake after all.
"Nathan," she whispered. "You came all the way here?" Her eyes, almost closed, slowly started to leak tears. "I didn't think anyone would come."
"Jilly," he said through tears of his own, "We love you, we all love you. Everyone would have come if they could have. They all send their love, they all send their prayers, if you'll take them."
"They want me to speak with god." Jilly hissed, almost sounding healthy. "They keep coming in here and asking me if I want to speak to god. No one has the balls to come out and say it's because I need to find him before I die, but I know that's what they mean."
"Jilly, you don't have to speak to god, but it would have been good for you to speak to someone, just to help your peace of mind."
"My peace of mind?!" She would have been yelling if she'd had the air. "My peace of mind? My mind is killing me!" Nathan heard Meredith start to cry behind him, and realized that she hadn't been able to bring herself to leave the room. "And it hurts, Nathan, it hurts so much!"
"I know Jillybean, I know. I'd like to try and help if I could." He continued to smooth the hair at her temple, the only locks not concealed by the bandages around the terrible wound in the side of her head. "Do you want me to try, Jilly? Do you believe I can help?"
"I wish, I wish you could help, but nothing helps, not anymore. They want to give me morphine, Nathan, they want to give me morphine until I can't feel anything anymore, but I know I'll never wake up again if they do!" She started to shake under his hand.
"Shh, Jilly, shh, it's alright, they don't want to hurt you," he soothed. "I can always try, and maybe it will help a little bit, maybe it won't, but I hope it will."
"Okay, but don't let me go, don't let me fly away yet, okay Nathan? I don't want to go yet."
He continued stroking her hair. "I won't Jilly, I won't let you fly away. There's a string holding you here with me, a green ribbon just like for your hair. And green like your meadow, and green like your forest, and green like your sea.
We've been to the meadow before, you and I, with the wind blowing the long grass, watching it ripple like waves on the ocean, sitting in the long grass, feeling the warm wind as it blows the waves of grass towards the sea.
We've been on this journey before, you and I, under the trees in the forest around the meadow, with the branches undulating like tendrils of seaweed drifting in the ocean current, drifting on the wind that blows the leaves on the trees towards the sea.
We've been to this seashore before, you and I, letting the wind at our backs blow us into the water, sinking into water warm like blood, warm like the ocean inside ourselves, sinking deeper and deeper, beneath the current that takes the unwary over the waves and out to sea.
We've been in these depths before, deeper and deeper beneath the waves, through the glowing green light of tiny creatures who never see the sun, down so deep that everything is silent except for my voice and our hearts, beating to the rhythm of the waves far above.
We've been sinking deeper and deeper, so deep now that we've never been this deep, and now the water, dark and mysterious, black like the heartsblood of the world, is becoming colder, so cold, so much colder that it numbs everything it touches, takes all the heat and poison out of everything and turns it to ice, turns the poison and the pain to pieces of ice, pieces of ice that slide so carefully out of you and float away.
We've been sinking so deeply now, so much deeper than before, that everything is completely black, everything is dark to your eyes the way that silence is to your ears, and while you float here in the depths of your ocean, I am holding your hand, I am holding your hand and I won't let you fly away, I'll keep you here beside me for awhile until you're ready to go, and for now we will float here and let the ice slide out of you and drift away."
Nathan looked down at Jilly's pale face, at the freckles that he knew she hated, at the scar she'd gotten from a flying horseshoe at a summer barbecue, and saw that she appeared to sleep. He didn't know if he'd helped, but he imagined that her face looked a little less strained anyway. Carefully he stood up, and turned to find Meredith leaning against the wall by the door, holding herself and silently crying.
"I don't understand!" she whispered harshly. "I thought you were some sort of, some sort of, sadist or something, someone she was embarassed to even admit she knew and you come here and tell her a story and she sleeps?! She doesn't sleep! Not without drugs!"
Nathan didn't bother wiping away his own tears before answering. "I am many things, but the most important thing I am right now is your sister's friend. I have been your sister's friend for a long time, longer than I think you realize. She's had a lot of horrible, painful things happen to her and I like to think that I've been of help to her with them, a kind of help that she couldn't find from you or the rest of her family. That little story, as you call it, is something that she and I came up with years ago, to help her create a haven from the nasty things that she had been subjected to in her life. If it helps her now, why should you care if I am some kind of, as you say, sadist." He opened the door, but not without turning back to say one last thing. "And I'm not the sadist here. She is." Carefully closing the door behind him, Nathan returned to the blue line, letting it take him around the corner from the family, knowing he would have to come back and face them for real if he wanted to keep on helping his friend.
Nathan watched the line under his shoes as he walked. Every hallway in this hospital had a colored line leading from the elevators, from the stairs, directly to whichever area a vistitor needed to go. The line he followed was blue, meant to be soothing, he supposed, although it was silly to think that anyone would be looking down as they walked. Anyone other than himself anyway. But he had to keep watching his feet carry his body down the line, it was the only way he could get himself to keep moving forward.
They were clustered together, what must be her family, some holding paper coffee cups, some gripping crumpled tissues. They looked immovable, as if their grief had concentrated them into a solid wall that no outsider could ever breach. He almost turned back, considered pivoting on the spot and fleeing back the way he'd come, so he wouldn't have to face what was inside that room. But that was not an option.
He drew closer, and one by one the faces turned his way, some curious, some hostile, some not really seeing him, looking blankly through eyes that had cried too many tears. Nathan refused to let himself slow, and continued toward them, unconsciously remaining at the center of the blue line. One of the younger woman broke off, came toward him, extended her hand.
"Are you Nathan?" she asked, taking his hand in hers when he nodded. "I'm Meredith, we talked on the phone?" She had obviously been crying, her grey eyes were blood-shot and red-rimmed, but she smiled at him anyway. "She asked for you again this morning. I'm afraid the family doesn't really understand." She swung her hair back over her shoulder so she could look Nathan in the face. "You...don't really look how I expected. I hope you don't mind me saying that. You looking so...normal...will help I think."
Nathan sighed. "And how am I supposed to look? You were expecting some sort of monster? Someone who looked like a carnival freak or a drug addict? Yes, your sister and I know each other because of things that you don't understand and don't want to admit exist, but we're no less normal than you."
"I know that , and I'm sorry." the young woman apologized. "It's just so hard with her slipping away like this, and finding out she had this other life, this lifestyle, and so many people that are her friends that we never knew about, and now she wants to talk to all of you and not us..." Her voice got louder and higher the longer she talked until she began, quietly, to cry. Nathan gently took her in his arms and held her, surprised that she let him, but unable to ignore her pain. They stayed that way for just a few seconds, but it was enough for Meredith to collect herself. She pulled away and wiped her nose on a ragged kleenex, then said, "C'mon. I'll take you in now." She led Nathan past the family and through the door, blue like the stripe on the carpet.
Inside the room it was as if blue, or any other color, had never existed. Everything was white or grey, as if whoever had designed the room had wanted to avoid the stark contrast of black and white and had instead chosen to cloak the room in a strange homage to winter. Friends and family had obviously tried to brighten the place up; there were flowers and get-well cards on the deep window sill, and someone had strung a garland of paper flowers from the ceiling. The bed was off to one side, and was the only thing not bathed in white. Again the family must have been at work for the bedding was emerald green, glowing in the lights from the nearby machines.
The woman in the bed lay curled on her side. Like a child or a small animal, she seemed to be hiding from something that she couldn't see, and was making herself smaller to avoid being seen by it. Her strawberry blonde hair and pale skin stood out in glaring contrast to the green; Nathan knew it was her favorite color and had to stop and swallow hard seeing her like this. Her favorite picture to share with close friends had been of her reclining in a sea of emerald satin, but there the green brought out the color of her eyes and made her skin glow like a naiad recently escaped from the ocean, not like this sad transparent wreck of a woman.
"Hello, Jillybean," he said, smoothing back her hair. "I came as fast as I could." The bruised eyelids raised a sliver. She had been awake after all.
"Nathan," she whispered. "You came all the way here?" Her eyes, almost closed, slowly started to leak tears. "I didn't think anyone would come."
"Jilly," he said through tears of his own, "We love you, we all love you. Everyone would have come if they could have. They all send their love, they all send their prayers, if you'll take them."
"They want me to speak with god." Jilly hissed, almost sounding healthy. "They keep coming in here and asking me if I want to speak to god. No one has the balls to come out and say it's because I need to find him before I die, but I know that's what they mean."
"Jilly, you don't have to speak to god, but it would have been good for you to speak to someone, just to help your peace of mind."
"My peace of mind?!" She would have been yelling if she'd had the air. "My peace of mind? My mind is killing me!" Nathan heard Meredith start to cry behind him, and realized that she hadn't been able to bring herself to leave the room. "And it hurts, Nathan, it hurts so much!"
"I know Jillybean, I know. I'd like to try and help if I could." He continued to smooth the hair at her temple, the only locks not concealed by the bandages around the terrible wound in the side of her head. "Do you want me to try, Jilly? Do you believe I can help?"
"I wish, I wish you could help, but nothing helps, not anymore. They want to give me morphine, Nathan, they want to give me morphine until I can't feel anything anymore, but I know I'll never wake up again if they do!" She started to shake under his hand.
"Shh, Jilly, shh, it's alright, they don't want to hurt you," he soothed. "I can always try, and maybe it will help a little bit, maybe it won't, but I hope it will."
"Okay, but don't let me go, don't let me fly away yet, okay Nathan? I don't want to go yet."
He continued stroking her hair. "I won't Jilly, I won't let you fly away. There's a string holding you here with me, a green ribbon just like for your hair. And green like your meadow, and green like your forest, and green like your sea.
We've been to the meadow before, you and I, with the wind blowing the long grass, watching it ripple like waves on the ocean, sitting in the long grass, feeling the warm wind as it blows the waves of grass towards the sea.
We've been on this journey before, you and I, under the trees in the forest around the meadow, with the branches undulating like tendrils of seaweed drifting in the ocean current, drifting on the wind that blows the leaves on the trees towards the sea.
We've been to this seashore before, you and I, letting the wind at our backs blow us into the water, sinking into water warm like blood, warm like the ocean inside ourselves, sinking deeper and deeper, beneath the current that takes the unwary over the waves and out to sea.
We've been in these depths before, deeper and deeper beneath the waves, through the glowing green light of tiny creatures who never see the sun, down so deep that everything is silent except for my voice and our hearts, beating to the rhythm of the waves far above.
We've been sinking deeper and deeper, so deep now that we've never been this deep, and now the water, dark and mysterious, black like the heartsblood of the world, is becoming colder, so cold, so much colder that it numbs everything it touches, takes all the heat and poison out of everything and turns it to ice, turns the poison and the pain to pieces of ice, pieces of ice that slide so carefully out of you and float away.
We've been sinking so deeply now, so much deeper than before, that everything is completely black, everything is dark to your eyes the way that silence is to your ears, and while you float here in the depths of your ocean, I am holding your hand, I am holding your hand and I won't let you fly away, I'll keep you here beside me for awhile until you're ready to go, and for now we will float here and let the ice slide out of you and drift away."
Nathan looked down at Jilly's pale face, at the freckles that he knew she hated, at the scar she'd gotten from a flying horseshoe at a summer barbecue, and saw that she appeared to sleep. He didn't know if he'd helped, but he imagined that her face looked a little less strained anyway. Carefully he stood up, and turned to find Meredith leaning against the wall by the door, holding herself and silently crying.
"I don't understand!" she whispered harshly. "I thought you were some sort of, some sort of, sadist or something, someone she was embarassed to even admit she knew and you come here and tell her a story and she sleeps?! She doesn't sleep! Not without drugs!"
Nathan didn't bother wiping away his own tears before answering. "I am many things, but the most important thing I am right now is your sister's friend. I have been your sister's friend for a long time, longer than I think you realize. She's had a lot of horrible, painful things happen to her and I like to think that I've been of help to her with them, a kind of help that she couldn't find from you or the rest of her family. That little story, as you call it, is something that she and I came up with years ago, to help her create a haven from the nasty things that she had been subjected to in her life. If it helps her now, why should you care if I am some kind of, as you say, sadist." He opened the door, but not without turning back to say one last thing. "And I'm not the sadist here. She is." Carefully closing the door behind him, Nathan returned to the blue line, letting it take him around the corner from the family, knowing he would have to come back and face them for real if he wanted to keep on helping his friend.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Running Late For Work
The following post contains sexual situations and images of a graphic nature. Click at your own risk!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
My First Induction
If you believe that you can't be hypnotized and that hypnosis is a bunch of bunk and flim flam practiced by con artists on gullible idiots, then read ahead with no worries and enjoy what to you will seem bad poetry.
If you believe that you can't be hypnotized but wish you could be or really want to be, then please make sure you are seated comfortably with both feet flat on the floor, facing your computer, in a position that you can maintain if you were to become extremely relaxed.
If you believe in hypnotism and want to be hypnotized please follow the above guidelines.
If you believe in hypnotism and have been hypnotized before, then you all ready know the drill! Enjoy!
A friend of mine, after reading my other blogs, challenged me to write an induction. Another first for me! So this is what I came up with. It is supposed to be very unthreatening, sex free, no triggers, and has one simple request for a message to me, nothing meant to harm or trick anyone. Let me know if I should keep it up!
Wine Country Induction
Hello
Hi There
And Welcome
Thank you so much
For choosing to trust me
Trust is important to me
And to you
I know
Coming here
Coming to visit me
Giving your trust to me
We trust
Each other
We are
In each other's hands
Here
Here in my place
Feel my world
Sitting here under the sun
Amongst the vines
The sun on the leaves
The heat on your skin
So
Relaxing
So
Warming
So
Caressing
So comforting
The air so still
It feels so good
So nice
Basking
Just basking in the sun
Breathing
Slowly and deeply
Carefully
Relaxing
Slowing down
Like Honey
Caught in the
Slow
Slow
Flow
Relax
Relax now
And listen
Relax and listen
Be Still
Your stillness
Profound
Listen
The bees are singing for you
(Buzzing as bees will do)
Droning
Humming
The bees in their hives droning
nbsp;
and
nbsp;
and
nbsp; Deeper
and
nbsp; Deeper
Deeper
So very deep
Let their song
Lull you
Deeper
Deeper
Deeper
Until the drone fades away
Until your thoughts fade away
Let the bees carry your thoughts away
And see only my words
Hear only my voice
You want to do that, don't you?
Let my words carry your thoughts away?
Now you are mine
And while you are mine
Here in this place
You can make me so happy
And I know you want me to be happy
Make me happy
Think of the perfect name for me
Tell me what your perfect name for me would be
Message me with that perfect name
Tell me why you chose it
And when you are done
(and not before)
When you are done
Then you may awake
Feeling wonderful
Feeling refreshed and full of energy
And so full of joy
Now Go
MAKE ME HAPPY
If you believe that you can't be hypnotized but wish you could be or really want to be, then please make sure you are seated comfortably with both feet flat on the floor, facing your computer, in a position that you can maintain if you were to become extremely relaxed.
If you believe in hypnotism and want to be hypnotized please follow the above guidelines.
If you believe in hypnotism and have been hypnotized before, then you all ready know the drill! Enjoy!
A friend of mine, after reading my other blogs, challenged me to write an induction. Another first for me! So this is what I came up with. It is supposed to be very unthreatening, sex free, no triggers, and has one simple request for a message to me, nothing meant to harm or trick anyone. Let me know if I should keep it up!
Wine Country Induction
Hello
Hi There
And Welcome
Thank you so much
For choosing to trust me
Trust is important to me
And to you
I know
Coming here
Coming to visit me
Giving your trust to me
We trust
Each other
We are
In each other's hands
Here
Here in my place
Feel my world
Sitting here under the sun
Amongst the vines
The sun on the leaves
The heat on your skin
So
Relaxing
So
Warming
So
Caressing
So comforting
The air so still
It feels so good
So nice
Basking
Just basking in the sun
Breathing
Slowly and deeply
Carefully
Relaxing
Slowing down
Like Honey
Caught in the
Slow
Slow
Flow
Relax
Relax now
And listen
Relax and listen
Be Still
Your stillness
Profound
Listen
The bees are singing for you
(Buzzing as bees will do)
Droning
Humming
The bees in their hives droning
nbsp;
and
nbsp;
and
nbsp; Deeper
and
nbsp; Deeper
Deeper
So very deep
Let their song
Lull you
Deeper
Deeper
Deeper
Until the drone fades away
Until your thoughts fade away
Let the bees carry your thoughts away
And see only my words
Hear only my voice
You want to do that, don't you?
Let my words carry your thoughts away?
Now you are mine
And while you are mine
Here in this place
You can make me so happy
And I know you want me to be happy
Make me happy
Think of the perfect name for me
Tell me what your perfect name for me would be
Message me with that perfect name
Tell me why you chose it
And when you are done
(and not before)
When you are done
Then you may awake
Feeling wonderful
Feeling refreshed and full of energy
And so full of joy
Now Go
MAKE ME HAPPY
Tangent - Scary Junk In My Mind
"I like to watch the right decisions dance around my head
And sit around reflecting on the ones I made instead.
I got lost in thralldom right away and look at where I am today
Fingering a thin and fraying string forever."*
I got lost in thralldom right away and look at where I am today
Fingering a thin and fraying string forever."*
I am finding out some scary scary shit about myself. I suspect the last 15 or so years of my life would have been dramatically different had I immediately gone into therapy after my first real relationship ended. I honestly thought that I was past that, I thought that I had dealt with it. (Despite refering to him as "the asshole" rather than by his name all this time. Despite someone very wise saying to me at least a decade ago "how can you say you're over it when you won't even say his name?") I can admit it today, I did not deal with it. And he's still here in my head, and it's going to take a lot of work to get him out, but having recognized the problem now it can be dealt with. If I'm brave enough.
"And if it drags me down what can I do but follow
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow?
The big wide empty...
(lie me down)
The big wide empty..."*
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow?
The big wide empty...
(lie me down)
The big wide empty..."*
So I have a Master now. Not something I ever thought I'd say. And the really weird thing is it wasn't really me who made the decision. (It was, really it was, don't panic, I will explain.) More of my education in hypnosis: I have a conscious mind and a subconscious mind. Which I knew already, but never ever thought about how great a divide there could be between the two. I don't know how it is for other people, but my subconscious feels an awful lot like a completely different person to me. At one point, my Master actually said I sounded like I had a split personality. I don't. But one of my favorite YouTube vids has to do with strengthening the subconscious's control over the body, and it works really really well. In trance with my Master my subconscious has been doing all the hard work. It is the most eerie feeling. I end up staring straight ahead at the top edge of the laptop (not the screen, mind you) and everything in front of my eyes turns 2D and looks like it's sliding back and forth. If I were sitting here now typing and that happened I would freak out, but when it happens and I'm in trance I can't look away. And my subconscious types responses while I'm staring at a wall. (Well, a bulletin board, but you get the idea.)
"Brought up in seclusion
California breeds confusion
When your fossil fuels run dry meet me under the delusion
We could leap off of the infrastructure
Choose our words less carefully
The music of a thrumming nerve
a rhapsody."*
California breeds confusion
When your fossil fuels run dry meet me under the delusion
We could leap off of the infrastructure
Choose our words less carefully
The music of a thrumming nerve
a rhapsody."*
So back to the scary shit. I was a loner as a child, sheltered (see my post that starts out "some women..." because obviously a lot of it was about me), emotionally immature, and stifled and angry and unhappy with it. I ran away from home at 17 ( well went to college but it's the same thing in this context.) I had never had a boyfriend. Never been in love. I had never masturbated. I was completely ignorant about how my body and had been raised to think of sex as a bad thing. I was going to stay a virgin until I married, of course.
"I cannot see the edges and I cannot see the guts
No, I cannot see the rivets and I cannot see the struts
And the line between open and embarrassing is hard to see at best
and ever-narrowing..."*
No, I cannot see the rivets and I cannot see the struts
And the line between open and embarrassing is hard to see at best
and ever-narrowing..."*
His name is Brian James Adams. I met him when I was 17 and he was 23. He had just gotten out of the Army (this will turn out to be a trend in my life) and was starting as a freshman even though he was older than the rest of us. He was shorter than me, and unattractive, and I disliked him on sight. He followed me around (we shared two classes) and said that he would keep trying until I would agree to go on a date with him. He bought me flowers. He called me beautiful. He became my friend. I let him kiss me, because I didn't want to never be kissed. I know now that I felt no passion for him, but only in retrospect. I didn't know what passion felt like. I let him finger me on the floor of my dorm room. I may even have orgasmed. I really don't know. Afterward, I lay on the floor and shook and I don't know if it was from climax, or from shame, or from fear, or from some combination of all of these.
"My dear old friendly passing acquaintance, it's really good to see ya.
It's been a while, to say the least
(is always a good idea).
We knew how we felt and what to say
and look at where we are today:
waiting for the string to break."*
It's been a while, to say the least
(is always a good idea).
We knew how we felt and what to say
and look at where we are today:
waiting for the string to break."*
A week later, or thereabouts, I had a panic attack in his dorm room. Out of the blue. I don't know what sparked it. Paramedics were called. I refused hospital treatment because I was too ashamed to let my family know that I had freaked out. I will never forget that one of the paramedics took me aside and said to me "sweetheart, your body is trying to tell you something important here. get out of this situation." I can honestly say I didn't have any idea what he was talking about. And a month after that, I let him take my virginity while I pretended to sleep, so I wouldn't have to acknowledge any responsibility for what was happening to me. And there was really no going back after that was there? At least that's what I thought. He had a roommate that was never there, and I had a roommate that I couldn't stand, so I basically moved into his dorm room. His bed was more comfortable than mine anyhow. At Thanksgiving I told him I loved him. I really believed that I did. And missed him with every fiber of my being, like being without air or heat. My midterm grade in my best class went from an A to a D because I didn't go to the final exam and wasn't allowed to make it up. Still trying to escape? I think so.
"And if it drags me down what can I do but follow
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow?
The big wide empty...
(lie me down)
The big wide empty..."*
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow?
The big wide empty...
(lie me down)
The big wide empty..."*
It wasn't until after Christmas that he asked me to do anal. He heard me gasp when his penis accidentally brushed my buttcheek and interpreted it as a sound of pleasure. It was not, but I agreed to try anyway. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life. Knowing now that I felt no passion for him, that I wasn't physically attracted to him in anyway, it's not surprising that I didn't like anal sex with him. I told him I didn't like it and he said we wouldn't have to do it again.
We did it again.
And again.
And again.
Why did I do it? I laid down willingly and begged him to stop the whole time he was doing it. And he ignored me. I cried and huddled in a ball until he was finished and stayed on the floor hiding from myself while he cleaned himself up and walked away. Every time. I so desperately wanted him to prove that he really loved me by listening to me and stopping that I gave him the opportunity to do this to me over and over.
I have always believed that I raped myself.
I let him do it. I let him into my mind and let him fester there and grow while I tried to go on with my life. He broke up with me because he'd gotten another girl pregnant, but had me one more time as a goodbye.
Until this morning I didn't realize how he had continued to govern certain aspects of my life for over 20 years. I'm not going to go into what happened last night or what happened this morning in response to it except to say that my Master asked my subconscious what the problem was and the answer was "Brian."
We did it again.
And again.
And again.
Why did I do it? I laid down willingly and begged him to stop the whole time he was doing it. And he ignored me. I cried and huddled in a ball until he was finished and stayed on the floor hiding from myself while he cleaned himself up and walked away. Every time. I so desperately wanted him to prove that he really loved me by listening to me and stopping that I gave him the opportunity to do this to me over and over.
I have always believed that I raped myself.
I let him do it. I let him into my mind and let him fester there and grow while I tried to go on with my life. He broke up with me because he'd gotten another girl pregnant, but had me one more time as a goodbye.
Until this morning I didn't realize how he had continued to govern certain aspects of my life for over 20 years. I'm not going to go into what happened last night or what happened this morning in response to it except to say that my Master asked my subconscious what the problem was and the answer was "Brian."
"And if it drags me down, what can I do but follow?
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow
The big wide empty
(lie me down)
The big wide empty
Tonight I saw the edges, 'cause tonight I finally tried a bit
Look what came of it"*
To swim against a vortex or to lie me down and wallow
The big wide empty
(lie me down)
The big wide empty
Tonight I saw the edges, 'cause tonight I finally tried a bit
Look what came of it"*
I only have one question now: would I be trying this adventure if Brian hadn't happened to me?
*Big Wide Empty by Harvey Danger from the album Dead Sea Scrolls. Do yourself a favor and discover this band.
I Have Stepped Into The River, And Luckily I Floated
It's the middle of the night/the wee hours of the morning on Christmas Day (or Mithrastide as I like to call it when I'm being really obnoxious) and I should be asleep.
I.Should.Be.Asleep.
And I can't sleep for several reasons, some what you'd expect and some not. The obvious reason is because I waited until the last minute to work on a project that is meant to be a gift for someone in (aarrrggghhh) approximately 6 hours, and, even though I started today with plenty of time to spare, is not done yet. Because I let myself be distracted in the middle of it.
Oh but it was so worth it!
So let's recap, shall we? I'm Noelle, and I want to write a book featuring hypnosis. In order to write intelligently on this subject, I decided to experience hypnosis for myself, and rather than spend a lot of money on a professional appointment turned instead to YouTube ('cause that's always safe), where I immediately (it took three videos) became enamored with hypnosis, specifically with being entranced. (Ironically, I have an Aunt who is a certified hypnotist. Yes, I can hear you laughing. Stop it! Stop it right now!) But soon just listening to files on YouTube wasn't enough, so I went searching for a more personal connection. Or rather, I was thinking about searching for a more personal connection, when someone whom I'd never met in my life private messaged me and wanted to know if I wanted to be hypnotized by him. Then, after chatting a little bit via pm, he apparently decided that my lack of experience was going to be a problem and never got back to me. Cue sad violins and mournful dirges. But you can't miss what you don't have, it didn't break my heart because I don't have one (just kidding, calm down!) and I soon found some new videos to experience. And the man who made those vids is a genius, let me tell you. As I started by using the actual YouTube names of people I will continue to do so now, if anyone ever reads this then maybe they will want to go check these vids out, yes?
So I discovered a man called kaos ocntrl. Who has a great voice with a great accent and a great style of hypnotism and whose vids work really really well for me. And he has a blog, which I read, which lead me to a community of people on this great big world wide web who like what I call "smutty hypnotism" as much as I do. Although they call it a fetish. Which it is. I have a fetish now! Fetishes are cool! Actually, I have several, but I digress. But not by much, as I will soon divulge.
I made a profile. I was very honest in this profile, because this is the kind of community that is accepting of this kind of honesty. And so they have proven to be. I have a great pic that I found ages ago, before I embarked on my hypnotism adventure, that is eerily prescient, which I am using as my avatar, and have already made several connections with fascinating people.
(Somewhere my dead ex-husband is laughing his ass off right now.) I understate. I joined this site on 23 December (two days ago, and not early in the day, either) and have 1- discovered things about my mind that I was completely in the dark about and 2- acquired a Master. Or he acquired me. And I'm scared and nervous and exhilerated and wound up and so many other things that I just can't make the words fall into line. I did things tonight that I have barely imagined, (not dangerous things, no need to worry about me yet), but things that were new and different for me. And what I have discovered is that this man who I met on the internet less than 48 hours ago is more accepting and compassionate than any of the stellar examples of manhood who have shared my bed over the last 12 or so years. And yes, I do believe the brief sample I have so far is sufficient to make this judgement. I can be honest with him about what I want and don't want, about what scares me and why, about things that no one else knows about me.
A caveat; I communicate fantastically through text. If I can write I can make myself understood. And most of our communication thus far has been through chatting. I suck at speaking when the subject is important to me, I gibber. It's not pretty. But again, I digress.
So do I share this blog with my new friends? Am I still writing a book? Yes. Are any of them in it? No. Do I intent to write here about a lot of what happens to me with this adventure? Well, yes. Names may have to be changed.
But for now, I have a text message waiting for me, as well as 3 or so hours of sleep.
Happy Mithrastide!
I.Should.Be.Asleep.
And I can't sleep for several reasons, some what you'd expect and some not. The obvious reason is because I waited until the last minute to work on a project that is meant to be a gift for someone in (aarrrggghhh) approximately 6 hours, and, even though I started today with plenty of time to spare, is not done yet. Because I let myself be distracted in the middle of it.
Oh but it was so worth it!
So let's recap, shall we? I'm Noelle, and I want to write a book featuring hypnosis. In order to write intelligently on this subject, I decided to experience hypnosis for myself, and rather than spend a lot of money on a professional appointment turned instead to YouTube ('cause that's always safe), where I immediately (it took three videos) became enamored with hypnosis, specifically with being entranced. (Ironically, I have an Aunt who is a certified hypnotist. Yes, I can hear you laughing. Stop it! Stop it right now!) But soon just listening to files on YouTube wasn't enough, so I went searching for a more personal connection. Or rather, I was thinking about searching for a more personal connection, when someone whom I'd never met in my life private messaged me and wanted to know if I wanted to be hypnotized by him. Then, after chatting a little bit via pm, he apparently decided that my lack of experience was going to be a problem and never got back to me. Cue sad violins and mournful dirges. But you can't miss what you don't have, it didn't break my heart because I don't have one (just kidding, calm down!) and I soon found some new videos to experience. And the man who made those vids is a genius, let me tell you. As I started by using the actual YouTube names of people I will continue to do so now, if anyone ever reads this then maybe they will want to go check these vids out, yes?
So I discovered a man called kaos ocntrl. Who has a great voice with a great accent and a great style of hypnotism and whose vids work really really well for me. And he has a blog, which I read, which lead me to a community of people on this great big world wide web who like what I call "smutty hypnotism" as much as I do. Although they call it a fetish. Which it is. I have a fetish now! Fetishes are cool! Actually, I have several, but I digress. But not by much, as I will soon divulge.
I made a profile. I was very honest in this profile, because this is the kind of community that is accepting of this kind of honesty. And so they have proven to be. I have a great pic that I found ages ago, before I embarked on my hypnotism adventure, that is eerily prescient, which I am using as my avatar, and have already made several connections with fascinating people.
(Somewhere my dead ex-husband is laughing his ass off right now.) I understate. I joined this site on 23 December (two days ago, and not early in the day, either) and have 1- discovered things about my mind that I was completely in the dark about and 2- acquired a Master. Or he acquired me. And I'm scared and nervous and exhilerated and wound up and so many other things that I just can't make the words fall into line. I did things tonight that I have barely imagined, (not dangerous things, no need to worry about me yet), but things that were new and different for me. And what I have discovered is that this man who I met on the internet less than 48 hours ago is more accepting and compassionate than any of the stellar examples of manhood who have shared my bed over the last 12 or so years. And yes, I do believe the brief sample I have so far is sufficient to make this judgement. I can be honest with him about what I want and don't want, about what scares me and why, about things that no one else knows about me.
A caveat; I communicate fantastically through text. If I can write I can make myself understood. And most of our communication thus far has been through chatting. I suck at speaking when the subject is important to me, I gibber. It's not pretty. But again, I digress.
So do I share this blog with my new friends? Am I still writing a book? Yes. Are any of them in it? No. Do I intent to write here about a lot of what happens to me with this adventure? Well, yes. Names may have to be changed.
But for now, I have a text message waiting for me, as well as 3 or so hours of sleep.
Happy Mithrastide!
Deeper - Such A Versatile Word
I had to take a break from writing. Actually, I got a little disheartened, because very few people actually still read anything on LiveJournal. Apparently. Bloggers I respect make jokes about people who post on LiveJournal. Hmmph. My favorite blogs are here, and that's why I decided to post here. Maybe at some point I'll do duplicate posts on blogger or, god forbid, spring for my own domain. But for now, here is where I'll stay. For one thing, while writing for someone else to read is the whole point, believing that no one is actually going to read any of this is very freeing.
I wanted to write a slightly smutty book that featured hypnotism. And somehow, on the very first page, it got less smutty and less hypnotismy. 'Cause that's a real word. My protagonist is a hypnotist, and there is at least one other character that he knows through that practice, but it's really about assumptions. And the truths about people that we only discover if we're willing to look...deeper. (That might be the back cover blurb. Right back there. What I just wrote. Hmmm.) Deeper is, of course, where you go in trance. Down, down, deeper, deeper, and the deeper you go, the better you feel, and the better you feel, the deeper you go. If it weren't for the fact that at some point every hypnotist on the planet has used that phrase I would feel like a plagiarist. Also, deeper than you've ever gone before. And, no matter how deep you go, you know you can always go deeper.
Which is true, by the way.
Also, I never heard back from my prospective hypno-smut buddy. How's a poor sheltered female supposed to get debauched if she gets virtually stood up? (Still trying to pursue this experience, or one similar to it. I will keep you updated.)
For now, I will have to get by with my imagination. And YouTube. Which is working out quite well for me.
I wanted to write a slightly smutty book that featured hypnotism. And somehow, on the very first page, it got less smutty and less hypnotismy. 'Cause that's a real word. My protagonist is a hypnotist, and there is at least one other character that he knows through that practice, but it's really about assumptions. And the truths about people that we only discover if we're willing to look...deeper. (That might be the back cover blurb. Right back there. What I just wrote. Hmmm.) Deeper is, of course, where you go in trance. Down, down, deeper, deeper, and the deeper you go, the better you feel, and the better you feel, the deeper you go. If it weren't for the fact that at some point every hypnotist on the planet has used that phrase I would feel like a plagiarist. Also, deeper than you've ever gone before. And, no matter how deep you go, you know you can always go deeper.
Which is true, by the way.
Also, I never heard back from my prospective hypno-smut buddy. How's a poor sheltered female supposed to get debauched if she gets virtually stood up? (Still trying to pursue this experience, or one similar to it. I will keep you updated.)
For now, I will have to get by with my imagination. And YouTube. Which is working out quite well for me.
Deeper - Chapter 1 Part 1 (Draft 1)
"Hello, Slave," Nathan whispered into his lover's ear. He had anticipated this moment all day long; sneaking up behind Erik as he waited on the veranda of their favorite cafe, caressing his ear with the softest of voices, and watching as Erik's hands clenched the edges of the table in reaction. That was what was supposed to happen, but in reality Erik jumped like he'd been bit somewhere tender, dumped his cappucino in his lap, and threw himself up and back to escape the hot drink, driving his head into Nathan's chin as he did so. Nathan dropped instantly, not exactly unconscious but not really aware of his surroundings either. Erik was in too much pain himself to notice, and as Nathan slowly began to come to his senses, the first thing he saw was Erik being fussed over by a handsome waiter who dabbed at the top of Erik's head with a damp towel while Erik mopped the coffee from his lap. Neither of them paid any attention to Nathan, who carefully stood up, using the decorative railing around a nearby tree for stability. "Are you okay?" He asked Erik. "Erik! Are you okay?" Erik stopped cleaning himself and turned to Nathan, patting the arm of the helpful waiter as he moved. "I'm fine. What were you thinking? You know I hate it when you call me that! And look, I'm bleeding!" The waiter brandished the towel, which might have had a trace of blood on it, in Nathan's direction. "And my slacks are ruined. This coffee is going to be impossible to get out. I'm going to have to buy another pair, and do you know how hard it's going to be for me to find this exact style again? I can't even talk to you right now, I'm too upset." He stalked off the veranda, followed by the helpful waiter, leaving Nathan alone and stunned, trying to figure out how his little fantasy had gone so completely wrong. He and Erik had been dating for 9 months, and while Erik had in fact mentioned that he didn't like it when Nathan called him "slave", Nathan had thought he was joking. "Slave" was Nathan's pet name for Erik because that was how they'd met, corresponding on YouTube, where Nathan had a hypnosis for entertainment channel and Erik had been one of his subscribers. Nathan's slave hypnosis videos were quite popular, both the vanilla variety and the videos for more mature viewers. Erik had left a funny comment on one of those videos, Nathan had answered him, and they had kept the conversation going in the comments for days, until one of the other subscribers had none-to-politely suggested that they take their talk elsewhere. Nathan had never figured out if Erik had actually watched the video on which he had commented; when they finally met up in real life Nathan had greeted Erik by saying "Hello Slave" and Erik had laughed in response, so Nathan had kept doing it. It had been six months into their relationship before Erik had finally admitted that he hadn't actually seen the video, that he had been at a friend's house and commented after his buddy had watched the video, and that he actually thought that the slave hypnosis videos and the people who watched them were kind of twisted. He had assured Nathan that he didn't think that Nathan was twisted, on the contrary, he thought that Nathan had excellent business instincts, and had started making the most popular kind of videos in order to make more money. That wasn't precisely the case, but Erik brushed Nathan off every time he tried to explain, and eventually he stopped trying. But Erik had never seemed to mind being called "slave" until just a few weeks ago, and had said so in a oddly flippant tone that Nathan had never heard before so he hadn't taken the incident seriously.
"But apparently I should have," he said later to his friend Karsten. "He was really, really angry with me. He didn't even notice that I was hurt, he just kept going on and on about his damn pants. Those pants aren't even that special." Karsen nodded sympathetically from behind her glass partition. She was the receptionist for Nathan's dentist, and he had loosened a crown when his jaws had been knocked together by Erik's head. "He doesn't even know I'm at the dentist. He doesn't even care."
"Well, Sweater, I wouldn't want to be called "slave" either, but I understand why you thought it was cute."
"As long as you keep calling me "Sweater", I don't think you get to have an opinion about what I call people. I'm tired of being categorized by the fashion choices I made during the 90s. And my sweaters were nice."
"Yes, they were very nice, and if I recall correctly, you had a different one for every day of the year, hence the fuzzy nickname. And, I might point out, even though I know you don't like it, I'm going to keep using it, because even though you grumble I know you love me too much to really fight about it."
"You think Erik doesn't love me."
"I know Erik doesn't love you, and so do you. He doesn't say he loves you, he doesn't act like he loves you, he treats you like dirt, and you bend over backwards and let him every time. And what's more, I don't think you love him either, I think you just want to have someone around so you won't have to listen to your own thoughts."
"There's nothing wrong with my thoughts."
"How would you know, you've never stopped to listen to them. Now go back and sit down while you wait for your appointment, I've got work to do up here. I buried today's paper behind the knitting magazines for you, no one's done the crossword yet."
"Fine, I'll go sulk by myself."
"You do that. Love you Sweater."
"I love you too, Karsten, but I'm not sure why."
"But apparently I should have," he said later to his friend Karsten. "He was really, really angry with me. He didn't even notice that I was hurt, he just kept going on and on about his damn pants. Those pants aren't even that special." Karsen nodded sympathetically from behind her glass partition. She was the receptionist for Nathan's dentist, and he had loosened a crown when his jaws had been knocked together by Erik's head. "He doesn't even know I'm at the dentist. He doesn't even care."
"Well, Sweater, I wouldn't want to be called "slave" either, but I understand why you thought it was cute."
"As long as you keep calling me "Sweater", I don't think you get to have an opinion about what I call people. I'm tired of being categorized by the fashion choices I made during the 90s. And my sweaters were nice."
"Yes, they were very nice, and if I recall correctly, you had a different one for every day of the year, hence the fuzzy nickname. And, I might point out, even though I know you don't like it, I'm going to keep using it, because even though you grumble I know you love me too much to really fight about it."
"You think Erik doesn't love me."
"I know Erik doesn't love you, and so do you. He doesn't say he loves you, he doesn't act like he loves you, he treats you like dirt, and you bend over backwards and let him every time. And what's more, I don't think you love him either, I think you just want to have someone around so you won't have to listen to your own thoughts."
"There's nothing wrong with my thoughts."
"How would you know, you've never stopped to listen to them. Now go back and sit down while you wait for your appointment, I've got work to do up here. I buried today's paper behind the knitting magazines for you, no one's done the crossword yet."
"Fine, I'll go sulk by myself."
"You do that. Love you Sweater."
"I love you too, Karsten, but I'm not sure why."
Tangent - How Hypnosis Makes Me Feel
You didn't really think I was going to continue where I left off yesterday, did you? Silly, silly you! I can't really, because there's backstory to the backstory, and before it will make any sense to discuss my eventual sybaritic bed-nudity (also the name of my next band, natch) the wonders of hypnosis must be discussed.
I've heard a lot of strange assumptions about hypnosis from people who were otherwise very bright and informed, but had gleaned most of their info from movies and tv shows. And bad novels, comic books, and hearsay. Also good novels, fake scientific papers, and of course, the internet. My favorite misconception about hypnosis is that it is mind control. Thanks to movies like "The Manchurian Candidate" people have gotten the idea that it is possible to completely control someone through hypnosis and turn them into an ice cold assassin. Um...no. Well maybe if you were already wanting to be an ice cold assassin. Who wanted to assassinate the exact same person that the hypnotist had chosen. 'Cause evil hypnotists often place Craigslist ads searching for want-to-be assassins, right?
Hypnosis is a heightened state of relaxation and concentration. For some people, (like me), an INCREDIBLY heightened state of relaxation and concentration. A lot of my success lies in the fact that, like Fox Mulder, I wanted to believe and went into my first experience with hypnosis determined to follow instructions exactly. Following instructions exactly is important. So is knowing that there isn't a "wrong way" to experience hypnosis. It also helps to remove sources of distraction like screaming children, head-banging room mates, or caterwauling...er...cats from the room. And I personally like to use headphones because then it sounds like the hypnotist's voice is inside my head with me. Having a good imagination is a plus, as is being smarter than average. "What?" I hear you saying. "I though some people were too smart to be hypnotized!" A lot of people who comment on hypnosis videos think so too. My favorite comment yet is from the gentleman who claimed that he couldn't be hypnotized because he was "mentilly superier." His spelling would lead the objective reader to disagree with him, but I digress. Smarter people are often easier to hypnotize, because they (here it is again) follow directions. And that's all you have to do to be hypnotized: sit comfortably, listen, and follow the directions that you are given.
I am not exaggerating when I choose to use all caps to describe my relaxation during hypnosis. There is always a moment during the induction where I feel like an over-inflated balloon that has just had its knot undone. Or like someone has pulled the plug on whatever current it is that animates me. I've tried being hypnotized in my desk chair several times now and most of the time I end up falling out of the chair. And the times I've fallen out of the chair I've stayed in the same position I fell in for the entire session because I felt so damn relaxed that it didn't matter that I was twisted up on the floor. I want to make it clear though, that if I hadn't been comfortable I could have, and would have, (and have, although it was while still in the chair) moved. NOT mind control. Occasionally, on times where I've gone extremely deep, I've felt like I was completely paralyzed, with some sort of uniform weight or field holding me down. But I still could have moved if I'd needed to. And if something happens during hypnosis that scares you or disturbs you enough that you don't want to do it anymore, that's game over. I've been shocked out of trance once, and it happened because I'm extremely literal minded sometimes, and thought I had been told to pick both my feet up from the floor simultaneously. While standing up. Snapped me right out of trance because I was following what I was hearing exactly, and the part of me that would have interpreted instructions more logically was a mile behind the action. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I did a "getting attacked by a vampire" video, (just to see if it would work, really), that scared me so badly that I shook for almost an hour afterwards. And I don't get scared of shit like that normally. I'm the one who (even at 5 years old) has always had an over-developed sense of the difference between fantasy and reality. Horror movies? Please! Scary books, ghost stories, whatever. The scariest thing I've ever seen on tv was an episode of The X-Files where a swarm of bees was released in an elementary school play yard. And I'm not scared of bees either, but that shit could really happen! So vampires, either the scary kind or the sparkly kind, don't really do it for me. Actually the sparkly ones are kind of scary, but not in the way that they're meant to be. So the vampire hypnosis was kind of a test for me, to see how much I would let myself be influenced.
And vampire hypnosis led to slave hypnosis.
I've heard a lot of strange assumptions about hypnosis from people who were otherwise very bright and informed, but had gleaned most of their info from movies and tv shows. And bad novels, comic books, and hearsay. Also good novels, fake scientific papers, and of course, the internet. My favorite misconception about hypnosis is that it is mind control. Thanks to movies like "The Manchurian Candidate" people have gotten the idea that it is possible to completely control someone through hypnosis and turn them into an ice cold assassin. Um...no. Well maybe if you were already wanting to be an ice cold assassin. Who wanted to assassinate the exact same person that the hypnotist had chosen. 'Cause evil hypnotists often place Craigslist ads searching for want-to-be assassins, right?
Hypnosis is a heightened state of relaxation and concentration. For some people, (like me), an INCREDIBLY heightened state of relaxation and concentration. A lot of my success lies in the fact that, like Fox Mulder, I wanted to believe and went into my first experience with hypnosis determined to follow instructions exactly. Following instructions exactly is important. So is knowing that there isn't a "wrong way" to experience hypnosis. It also helps to remove sources of distraction like screaming children, head-banging room mates, or caterwauling...er...cats from the room. And I personally like to use headphones because then it sounds like the hypnotist's voice is inside my head with me. Having a good imagination is a plus, as is being smarter than average. "What?" I hear you saying. "I though some people were too smart to be hypnotized!" A lot of people who comment on hypnosis videos think so too. My favorite comment yet is from the gentleman who claimed that he couldn't be hypnotized because he was "mentilly superier." His spelling would lead the objective reader to disagree with him, but I digress. Smarter people are often easier to hypnotize, because they (here it is again) follow directions. And that's all you have to do to be hypnotized: sit comfortably, listen, and follow the directions that you are given.
I am not exaggerating when I choose to use all caps to describe my relaxation during hypnosis. There is always a moment during the induction where I feel like an over-inflated balloon that has just had its knot undone. Or like someone has pulled the plug on whatever current it is that animates me. I've tried being hypnotized in my desk chair several times now and most of the time I end up falling out of the chair. And the times I've fallen out of the chair I've stayed in the same position I fell in for the entire session because I felt so damn relaxed that it didn't matter that I was twisted up on the floor. I want to make it clear though, that if I hadn't been comfortable I could have, and would have, (and have, although it was while still in the chair) moved. NOT mind control. Occasionally, on times where I've gone extremely deep, I've felt like I was completely paralyzed, with some sort of uniform weight or field holding me down. But I still could have moved if I'd needed to. And if something happens during hypnosis that scares you or disturbs you enough that you don't want to do it anymore, that's game over. I've been shocked out of trance once, and it happened because I'm extremely literal minded sometimes, and thought I had been told to pick both my feet up from the floor simultaneously. While standing up. Snapped me right out of trance because I was following what I was hearing exactly, and the part of me that would have interpreted instructions more logically was a mile behind the action. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I did a "getting attacked by a vampire" video, (just to see if it would work, really), that scared me so badly that I shook for almost an hour afterwards. And I don't get scared of shit like that normally. I'm the one who (even at 5 years old) has always had an over-developed sense of the difference between fantasy and reality. Horror movies? Please! Scary books, ghost stories, whatever. The scariest thing I've ever seen on tv was an episode of The X-Files where a swarm of bees was released in an elementary school play yard. And I'm not scared of bees either, but that shit could really happen! So vampires, either the scary kind or the sparkly kind, don't really do it for me. Actually the sparkly ones are kind of scary, but not in the way that they're meant to be. So the vampire hypnosis was kind of a test for me, to see how much I would let myself be influenced.
And vampire hypnosis led to slave hypnosis.
The Backstory - Part 1
Flashback, two hours ago. It's just before two in the afternoon and I'm still in bed, enjoying the way my expensive-but-worth-it sheets are sliding over my naked body. I'm still in bed because I had a very late night, and normally I would be exhorting myself to get the hell out of bed already! But not today, and not for the last three weeks or so, because I have discovered that sometimes staying in bed is the very best use of my morning. I have been awake since noon, after being briefly awakened at nine and rolling right over and going back to sleep. It's a quirk that I want to think is unique to me, although I know it's not; when I am awakened unexpectedly like that the sleep I have after is always deeper and more restful than what came before. I've learned not to feel guilty about taking advantage of it. In many ways, sleep is my drug.
So, it's noon, the sun is high (probably, this is Oregon and I can't actually see the sun) in the sky and I am eager and excited to get on with what for the last three weeks has been the first action I take every day. The bed is cold; I have an electric mattress pad that I use every night but it cuts off automatically around eight. I have yet to shuck my pajamas so I'm not uncomfortable, but I keep my room cold and my bed warm so there's no contest about where I'm staying. I pull my handheld over (that's iPod for those of you with dirty minds, get yourself out of the gutter, we're on the edge, but we've yet to go over), plug in my headphones and prepare to relax.
Three weeks ago I decided to write a novel featuring hypnotism. Although I'd definitely zoned out while driving and had hours disappear while playing video poker I'd never officially been hypnotized. (Think video poker isn't mesmerizing? Ha!) Obviously I couldn't write about something I'd never experienced, so off to YouTube I went. I cleverly did a search for "hypnosis" and spent an hour looking through all the different choices that came up. It turns out that hypnosis is very popular on YouTube. There are videos ranging from simple relaxation to help with homework to help with sleep to help with pain to help with orgasms. We'll get to that last one later. I finally chose a video , based completely on the fact that the user pic was unthreatening. (It's a pretty pink and blue spiral.) I read a lot of comments on the videos, figured what the hell, and sat down to experience my first ever hypnosis video.
And then I had to go lie down on the bed. The hypnotist recommended that anyone watching the video do so while either lying back or down, and my desk chair is wobbly. So, handheld with headphones, and a short induction video. Fifteen minutes later, I feel fantastic, and do a longer induction video. Thirty-five minutes later and I feel so relaxed it's like every bone has been sucked out of my body. Well, shit, I, apparently, can be hypnotized. So I listen to a video called "can't stop laughing" and afterwards (surprise), I can't stop laughing. It's the weirdest thing, because the whole time I'm listening to the video I'm thinking to myself that there's no way this can possibly work, but that part of my mind is sitting off to the side observing my reactions to the hypnotist's words. And every single time he talks about laughing or smiling or giggling my body dutifully laughs or smiles or giggles. It's bizarre, and makes me feel fan-fucking-tastic. I'm officially sold; hypnotism is amazing and I want to experience it again and again and again.
Oh, yeah, I'm meant to be writing a book. But I have a new perspective on it now. Before experiencing hypnosis I had thought that my protagonist would be the person being hypnotized, but now I'm thinking the story should be told from the perspective of the hypnotist. And that means that I'm going to have to try every single one of these videos. And videos from other hypnotists as well, but as long as I'm on this page...
How does this lead to my being naked in bed at two in the afternoon, enjoying the feeling of my sheets as they slide across my skin? Don't you wish you knew!
So, it's noon, the sun is high (probably, this is Oregon and I can't actually see the sun) in the sky and I am eager and excited to get on with what for the last three weeks has been the first action I take every day. The bed is cold; I have an electric mattress pad that I use every night but it cuts off automatically around eight. I have yet to shuck my pajamas so I'm not uncomfortable, but I keep my room cold and my bed warm so there's no contest about where I'm staying. I pull my handheld over (that's iPod for those of you with dirty minds, get yourself out of the gutter, we're on the edge, but we've yet to go over), plug in my headphones and prepare to relax.
Three weeks ago I decided to write a novel featuring hypnotism. Although I'd definitely zoned out while driving and had hours disappear while playing video poker I'd never officially been hypnotized. (Think video poker isn't mesmerizing? Ha!) Obviously I couldn't write about something I'd never experienced, so off to YouTube I went. I cleverly did a search for "hypnosis" and spent an hour looking through all the different choices that came up. It turns out that hypnosis is very popular on YouTube. There are videos ranging from simple relaxation to help with homework to help with sleep to help with pain to help with orgasms. We'll get to that last one later. I finally chose a video , based completely on the fact that the user pic was unthreatening. (It's a pretty pink and blue spiral.) I read a lot of comments on the videos, figured what the hell, and sat down to experience my first ever hypnosis video.
And then I had to go lie down on the bed. The hypnotist recommended that anyone watching the video do so while either lying back or down, and my desk chair is wobbly. So, handheld with headphones, and a short induction video. Fifteen minutes later, I feel fantastic, and do a longer induction video. Thirty-five minutes later and I feel so relaxed it's like every bone has been sucked out of my body. Well, shit, I, apparently, can be hypnotized. So I listen to a video called "can't stop laughing" and afterwards (surprise), I can't stop laughing. It's the weirdest thing, because the whole time I'm listening to the video I'm thinking to myself that there's no way this can possibly work, but that part of my mind is sitting off to the side observing my reactions to the hypnotist's words. And every single time he talks about laughing or smiling or giggling my body dutifully laughs or smiles or giggles. It's bizarre, and makes me feel fan-fucking-tastic. I'm officially sold; hypnotism is amazing and I want to experience it again and again and again.
Oh, yeah, I'm meant to be writing a book. But I have a new perspective on it now. Before experiencing hypnosis I had thought that my protagonist would be the person being hypnotized, but now I'm thinking the story should be told from the perspective of the hypnotist. And that means that I'm going to have to try every single one of these videos. And videos from other hypnotists as well, but as long as I'm on this page...
How does this lead to my being naked in bed at two in the afternoon, enjoying the feeling of my sheets as they slide across my skin? Don't you wish you knew!
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