WEEHU3 - Day 2, Or, "...and we know how much you love being right..."

Day 2!  Friday!  Heretofore to be known as Thursday! (This was a thing. "And it's still only Thursday...")

My last hypno-event was MEEHU, last July in Chicago.  It would be accurate to say I was lax about things like eating breakfast and attending classes. It would also be accurate to say that San Francisco once had a pretty bad earthquake; the degree of understatement is the same for both sentences.  I was determined not to repeat this behavior at WEEHU.  What this means in practice is that I was up and at 'em and in the breakfast area eating my free breakfast* by 8:30am Friday morning.  Notable moments at free breakfast that first day include the Amazing Pancake Extracting Machine and discovering that the orange juice was apparently squeezed from a bag of orange-flavored sugar. I was courageous and tried the pancakes (mostly because I wanted to play with the machine) and discovered what a yoga mat must actually taste like. Hint: not good. But, hey, free!

Classes weren't due to start until 2:30, with the first one I wanted to actually attend not starting until 3:30.  So there was a little bit of time to kill, and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure of everything I did. One thing I am sure of is that the night before, I'd suggested to the Calico that she'd find her Friday morning volunteer shift very rewarding.  As in, feelings of pleasure building up inside her as she welcomed each and every person who passed her station (right by the only elevator, of course), to be stored until a time of my choosing.  Because I am nice like that.  And I know for sure that when I went back down to the breakfast area, which was now the "check in and get your badge" area, that I made sure to let people know that they needed to let her welcome them, possibly more than once, so that she'd have the best possible experience.  Because again, I am nice like that.

I might have taken a nap.  I might have put together the goody bags for my "Subjects Safe-Space" class.  I probably did both of those things.  But my mind was on something else completely.

A Brief Interlude Wherein I Describe My History With Birthdays

I was born in the back half of October. (Why, yes I did just celebrate my Birthday, thanks.)  My brother was born, through no fault of his own, three years and 14-ish hours later.  Luckily, 2 of those 14 hours were after midnight, so technically it's 3 years and a day, but I like accuracy.  My family was always really really great at making sure we A) had separate birthday celebrations and B) didn't have Halloween birthdays every year.  The year I turned 9 and he turned 6 we did actually have a combined Halloween birthday costume party (we were both clowns), but that is the one and only time ever that we've done so.  My history of only having one close friend at a time not-withstanding, I did have the traditional "invite the girls from your class" birthday parties through about 7th grade, but a school change** caused the available pool of "girls from my class" to go from 12 more or less fun girls to 5 really annoying girls and so I called a halt to large parties.  And that was it for parties.

The group of toxic friends that I mentioned in yesterday's post made a huge deal out of their birthdays.  And I like planning stuff.  So in my adult life I found myself on the organizing side of many parties of varying complexity: from "let's go see a movie" all the way to "let's have a karaoke concert/weekend festival in the country".  Somehow through these years the gesture was never reciprocated. And when I tried to organize something for myself, I got excuses as to why people couldn't make it, the best example of which is "I don't want to hang out in my own house on a Friday night, why would I want to hang out in yours?"  So...I kind of developed an aversion to birthdays.  My friend Kerrie, who was living in another state through this time and would have kicked some serious ass had she realized exactly how asshatty these people were being, can totally testify if asked that my aversion to birthdays, whether my own or someone else's, was extremely well-developed.

End of Interlude

So. Readers of my tumblr and people who hang out in the MEEHU Skype chatroom will be aware that I have what I call a "Braintwin".  Starting right before MEEHU DJ Pynchon and I discovered that our minds seem to work in weird and identical ways.*** So we started to play the "what would you do" and "what do you like" games, and somehow we got to talking about birthdays.  And discovered that we shared one.  Which is the capstone of all the weird Braintwin stuff.  So we toyed with the idea of having a mutual birthday party, but when Pynch heard about my experiences with birthdays past, he decided that I was for fuck's sake going to have a goddamn birthday party at WEEHU that was all about me. (Swearing is all mine. Because Pynch is a gentleman and would never talk like that. Ahem.)

He enlisted Lee Allure to help organize it.

And I started to get a little anxious.

She wanted to know what kind of cake I liked. (Carrot. Without nuts in. She called me a heathen.)

She wanted to know my favorite color. (Blue. What shade of blue?  That deep shade of blue that winter skies sometimes get when it's clear but quite cold, also found in still Caribbean waters and some Maxfield Parrish paintings. So cerulean but deeper. More or less.)

And I started to get a little bit more anxious.

Remember how I was exiled to the adjoining room on Thursday night? It was so Pynch could unpack birthday things and stow them away where they'd not be seen.  And I got more anxious.  I mentioned being relegated to that room a lot between Thursday night and Friday afternoon, and it was all because of me feeling anxious. I was starting to annoy myself with it, but it kept slipping out.

So. At 1:30 I was in my room putting on my birthday party outfit while the final preparations were being made in the other room.  They'd gone to so much trouble and I wanted to acknowledge that by taking as much trouble myself.  So special party outfit. Special party make-up. Special party jewelry.  And at 2-ish I got led across the hallway for my first real birthday party in decades.

They made me a fairyland.  They made me a magical place with balloons that had twinkling lights inside, and streamers, and stripy hats, and things that made noise (I think) and mimosas and cake (really fine cake) and they sang "Happy Birthday" - twice, and I stood there and clutched myself and tried and tried to not be over-whelmed.  (I failed.)  It helped some when the Calico got to experience her reward for all that welcoming, trembling and quivering at my feet. It helped some that I got many many hugs from people who didn't seem to think that being anxious over a birthday party was weird in a bad way.  And then there were presents. Thoughtful presents. And so many people that I can now call friends! And some who I didn't know at all, yet.****  And we played Pictionary, with both of the birthday people as team captains (that being the only acknowledgement of our mutual birthday-ness that Pynch accepted.)  And my team SMOKED his.  His never got to roll.  It was marvelous! (It is possible that I am not a gracious winner. I tried, though.)

And then it was 3:30 and time for the first class I wanted to attend.

Class the First:  Mutual Hypnosis Workshop with Wiseguy and Lee Allure

I was a little bit late due to changing out of my birthday party outfit and into my going to class outfit. (An entire large suitcase filled with clothes, remember!)  Wiseguy and Lee were already in the middle of talking about some famous examples of mutual trance, and then they demonstrated how easy it was for two people to talk each other into trance as a conversation.  Then we split up into groups, mostly of two, but five of us in the back corner ended up doing it together.  I'm really glad there were so many of us; it was an experience that I haven't had in quite that way.  The other four were @HypnoSophist (aka Rob), the Calico, a gentleman who I will always remember as "other Rob", and a gentleman who was new to the EEHUs whose name I sadly cannot recall.  I feel like I didn't contribute as much as I might have; I dropped almost immediately, but with my eyes open and still able to do a little bit of talking, especially to other Rob.  I'd like to try this again sometime and try to develop it as a skill; I think everyone else involved enjoyed it as well.

Class the Second:  New Subjects Safe Space for Questions with ME!

One of the things that I've gotten increasingly passionate about as I've continued my hypnosis journey is introducing new people to erotic hypnosis and trying to give them the tools they need to safely navigate what can be a really confusing terrain.  There is already a "100 level" course series taught by Wiseguy (101) and DJ Pynchon (102 and 103); what I was trying to provide was more along the lines of the campus visit you make before you decide which school to attend.  I was hoping that there'd be a pretty good turnout; the WEEHU organizers had gotten green ribbons for new attendees to affix to their badges, so I knew they were out there.

I got three new people, but hey, that's a start, right?  I also had 8 or 9 veterans from both sides of the watch, so we did get to have a nicely casual and yet still informative conversation, and hopefully those three new people were a little bit more comfortable than they'd otherwise have been had they not attended.  And next year we might have a "question corner" or some sort rather than a time-limited class; you'll have to come to WEEHU4 to know for certain!

Class the Third:  Touch Me! Hypnotic Workshop with ZanyM

Heh. I will always remember this class fondly as the catalyst for my friendship with Lizzidoll.  (More on that in a moment.)

So this class was, as the label on the tin says, about the power of touch. Zany had a bag of items which she had people reach into blindly, then describe using their sense of touch.  I think the best part of that was when Kat took a turn and pulled out a standard phone charging cable, and described it thusly:  "It's a cable of some sort...it seems to, yes it's a usb on one end and...a small...yes a micro-usb on the other end." (Quoth Zany, "I would have accepted 'wire'.")  Then we got to explore the power of touch with a partner. Or in my case, partners.  I was sitting next to Pynch, with Lizzidoll on his opposite side. It seemed pretty natural for us to work together, which somehow translated into Liz and I staying seated and Pynch kneeling at our feet.  We didn't mind. And I think it's safe to say that we explored the power of touch pretty thoroughly, to the point that when the class broke up we were all still caught up in it, dazed and concentrating only on each other, and more than a little turned on.  Which leads us to the first highlight of the evening.

The FIRST HIGHLIGHT of the EVENING

We ended up back in Lee's room, with Pynch on the couch and Liz and I sitting on either side of him, but on the floor.  And decided to continue what we'd started in the Touch Me class.  And that's when Liz and I discovered that we work really well together, especially when we are sufficiently motivated by a stubborn Pynch--who had spent the weeks leading up to WEEHU continually telling us that he was going to be extremely toppy at WEEHU, and to not be disappointed if things worked out that way.

Turns out that Liz and I really REALLY like that kind of challenge. And that's all I'll say about that.*****

And then we went to dinner!  I got to have real Indian food for the first time (I liked it a lot.) The restaurant was fantastic; quick and friendly service, excellent food, and when we asked for the check, they brought it to us.  (The importance of which will be evident to anyone who ate at the horrible Mexican restaurant at MEEHU.  Except for Pynch, who had sushi. A long story, and one which will be covered later on in these recaps.)  And I and my sekrit projekt co-conspirators got to do a little bit of plotting, which was quite the feat, seeing as how the person we were plotting about was sitting at the table with us.  Which brings us to the second highlight of the evening.

The SECOND HIGHLIGHT of the EVENING

So, back to birthdays for a moment. You may recall that, in order to give me a wonderful birthday experience, Pynch took himself and his birthday out of the equation.  I was GOOD.  I didn't hijack his efforts and make it about him.  I waited until later, when he wouldn't suspect anything.

I wrote a thing.  A song-thing.  Well, I wrote a three minute long singing confusion induction.  A three minute long singing confusion induction for four female voices.  A couple of weeks before WEEHU I recorded the different parts and sent them off to Lee Allure, Lizzidoll, and ZanyM in the hopes that we could all learn it well enough by WEEHU to sing if for Pynch for his birthday.  We got to practice for the tiniest bit of time on Thursday, we got to practice for the tiniest little bit more time after dinner on Friday.  The plan was, we'd sneak into the back of the Orientation: Intro to *EEHU class being taught by Mephki and Pynch in the conference room, and spring it on him "flashmob" style, with the Calico as our accomplice to make sure that Pynch was seated and paying attention at the appropriate time.

The class got out earlier than we expected.

We were standing in the hallway on the third floor in front of the elevators and decided what the hell, we'd do it right there.  All we needed was for Mephki to delay the icebreakers that were supposed to be starting right that moment, and for Pynch to actually be available.  So of course he came up the elevator and made a beeline for his room, barely acknowledging anyone trying to get his attention.  Shit! Had he figured out what was going on?  He's pretty smart, after all.  So we sent the Calico to look for him.  And then we sent Lizzidoll to look for them.  You can see where this is going right?  Then Lee went and rounded them all up, and Calico sat Pynch down in a chair in the middle of a crowd of WEEHU attendees and told him to listen carefully.

Listen carefully, I have a story to tell.

"Once Upon a Time"; words that I think you know well.

Repeating the notes like the peal of a bell.

If you concentrate you may find that you fall

down, down, down, down...

ETC.******

We each came in at a different time, with a different part of the song, so that the only time we ever sang the same thing together was on the words "down, down, down, down."  I'd been worried that we'd mess up the words, that we'd mess up the notes, that it would be too cacophonous to work, that Pynch would just look at us with pity in his eyes and thank us gently for trying, because it's the thought that counts, after all.

It worked. It worked exactly the way I hoped, and more.  It was wonderful and marvelous and I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be singing it with!

And the acoustics in that hallway? SO MUCH BETTER than they would have been anywhere else! (As we discovered later on, but that's another day's story...)

A Slight Tangent

I have spent the time since WEEHU ended being sick, to the point of calling into work multiple times and basically just sleeping all day and/or sitting in a darkened room because my eyes hurt.  So these recaps didn't get written as immediately as they might have been, and some of the details of some of the things I got to do over the weekend have blurred together.  Which is secret code for I don't always remember what I did on which evening.  But I think I'm fairly accurate.  However, if you were a participant in anything I did and I have the day wrong, please point it out!  I probably won't correct the post, but I'll reblog and acknowledge the mistake.  Thanks!

Friday night after the singing...I received another birthday present.  I got to have my first experience with rope, courtesy of Lizzidoll, who will have to describe it for me at some point, since my input is basically "I liked it a lot."  I liked it more than a lot actually, although I'm not sure if that was because of what was happening or because of who it was happening with. Either way, it was fantastic!

Then we had a brief interlude that, I think, was supposed to lead into an "Objectification Party" that never really happened.  Kat and I have "freeze in place like statues" triggers courtesy of Carneggy, and there was a little statuing going on for awhile, until I got really impatient with it for reasons that don't need to be discussed here, and Liz and I headed back over to my room so that she could rehearse the tie she was going to do for Pynch for his birthday.  It started out as just a practice run; as she described it this tie was going to be much more planned and formal than the sort of "free-form" tie she'd done for me.  So she fiddled with angles and such, then asked me if I minded being blind-folded, as that is how it would be with Pynch.  I am no fool; of course I said yes, but carefully pointed out that once the blindfold was on my input was going to drop dramatically. (Drop is the key word in that sentence.)  So I got to experience the whole thing that she had planned, and IT WAS PHENOMENAL.  It involved singing and movements tied into that singing (did you see what I just did there, people? Did you?) and pretty much cemented in my mind that Liz can tie me up any old time she desires.

And then it was bedtime.

Another Slight Tangent

My friends and room-mates for WEEHU were Kat and Carneggy, both of whom were getting over a nasty bout of bronchitis, and Kat basically relapsed at the beginning of the weekend.  She'd get up and go to classes, then return to the room to try and sleep and destress.  And Carneggy was very attentive of her while she was feeling so poorly and took great care of her.  I felt like the best thing I could do was to take my noisy, needy self out of the way as much as possible, which is why there isn't as much mention of either of them as there should be.  I am really really looking forward to our next event together, when we are all healthy at the same time and can have the loads and loads of fun that we wanted to have at WEEHU.

And that's it for WEEHU - Day 2!

*Funniest thing I heard all weekend long:  Tuesday morning after WEEHU had officially ended, while eating free breakfast..."There was breakfast? And it was free? All Weekend!?"

**My fifth grade year I developed a little bit of a social life and got in trouble for talking in class. A lot.  my mother decided I was turning into a hoodlum and the next year put me into a private school that one of her friends recommended, which is how A) I discovered the books of Anne McCaffrey (which kept me from going crazy with loneliness) and B) Ruined my education in basic mathematics.  You may be familiar from viral posts on Facebook/tumblr et al of something called the P.A.C.E. system of home-schooling workbooks?  The ones that assert that cave men and dinosaurs lived side by side...3 thousand years ago?  Yeah. We used those. Viva la ignorance!

***We write alike, we sound alike, we have the same fandoms, we once simultaneously posted the same cartoon to the MEEHU chatroom, we even kind of look alike. Quoth my friend Kerrie: "You two even look alike, it's too weird, I have to leave now."  And NO, we are not related.  Trust me, we worked that out first thing.

****Here is the list of people who I know/think were at the party:  Lee, Pynch, Calico, Carneggy, Kat, Zany, MrDream, Liz, Wiseguy, Dani, Felix, Jcheldi, DylanG, W, Banny, Switchette, Ais, Panavatar, GirlFriday, Max, Lily, Lorelei, Dancecode...I think at this point I am just listing off the names of people who I know were in the building. But in my head now, you were ALL there. And thank you!

*****There is a participants' version. Oh yes. And this is where my favorite quote from the weekend comes from:  "Saying it would be the right thing to do, and we know how much you love being right..."

******The singing confusion induction titled "Listen Carefully" will be recorded and mixed sometime in the future (after I can again take a deep breath without coughing) and released publically for the listening pleasure of anyone who wants to download it.

WEEHU3 - Day 1, or "For some reason, she was really impressed with the high-test fishing line."

WEEHU3 - Day 1, which really starts two days before the actual first day of WEEHU, was bright and clear and very Oregon-in-October; that is to say, still summertime.  I spent the first part of it at work, then convinced them to let me leave for reasons of personal safety.  "Won't you feel responsible if I die driving all night to San Francisco?" I asked them, and, mostly because it was really slow and I was really superfluous, they let me go.  Which turned out to be quite necessary, because my co-driver backed out on me. Solo all-night drive!  Woo fucking hoo!

I actually really like to drive at night, and I'm a commuter by nature, so it wasn't that much of a hardship.  Except for the no-sleeping part. But more of that in a moment.

Because I was driving, I had planned on taking slightly more stuff with me to WEEHU than I would have had I been flying; with the loss of a second person's stuff in the car, I had no choice but to bring more stuff.  So in the car on the way home from work I planned what I would be packing.  (It turned out to be one rolling luggage rack worth of stuff. And I am not ashamed.)

My Packing List
One large suitcase (softside) - CLOTHES
One small suitcase (softside) - half MAKE-UP/JEWELRY, half STUFF*
One carry-on size suitcase (hardside) - CLOTHES/SHOES for the Calico
One Army regulation-size duffle bag (not actually from the Army) - SHOES/BOOTS
One carry-on size bag (softside) - extra blankets (which I completely forgot I'd brought.)
One large shopping bag - COOKIES. More on the cookies shortly.
One official Coca-Cola delivery flat - 9 litre size bottles of Coke Zero, 1 bottle of booze**.
One leather briefcase - my laptop and the important external hard drive, plus notebooks...
One large handbag - EVERYTHING ELSE NECESSARY FOR ME TO LIVE MY LIFE.

It's really not that much...
Oh, yeah, right.

One Electric Piano (which never got played, but we could have if we'd gotten around to it...)
One Electric Piano Stand & Bench

It's still really not that much. I mean, I could still see out all the windows.

Anyway.  I get home, I do laundry, I make the first batch of cookie dough. Then I make the second batch of cookie dough.  Then I make the third batch of cookie dough.  Then I make the fourth batch of cookie dough.  This is a shit ton of cookie dough, and my life would be easier if I could get my hands on 3 or 4 extra kitchen maid mixer bowls, but I do what I can.  What I'm going to do when my mixer finally dies I really don't know.  It's the one my Mom bought new when I was 9, which makes it spring of 1981.  I inherited it when she got a shiny new one, and she's regretted that ever since.  The new ones just aren't the same...but I digress.

The Four Cookies
Chocolate Chip. No, you cannot have the recipe.  The only person who has it other than me is my sister-in-law, and it was part of her Christmas present last year.  You have to really work at impressing me to get that recipe...or be family and have a love of baking that approaches my own.
No, you also cannot know the secret ingredient. Work out your own special recipe!
Earl Grey Chocolate Chip.  So good!  And even better if the lid is put back on the airtight container properly by the people in the con-suite.  (They were good crispy too, I suppose, but they weren't...quite...right...after that.)
No, earl grey tea is not the secret ingredient in recipe one.
Dark Chocolate Oregon Hazelnut Stout Crinkles.  The High Ruler over all other cookies. The One Ring of cookies if you will.  The best fucking cookies I have ever made.  (And more on these cookies later.)
Molasses Crinkles. My family's favorite cookie. The attendees' of WEEHU least favorite cookie. There's no accounting for taste. Whatever. That just means that I got to eat more of them than I thought I would.

Now everyone should understand that baking is the thing I do to deflect attention off of myself in new social situations, which technically wasn't a necessary thing at WEEHU because I'm an old pro at WEEHU-ing now.  But (and this is one of the only things in the entire world about which I will be unabashedly arrogant) I am a fucking marvelous cookie baker.  My cookies are phenomenal. People should pay me to bake them cookies.  (And they have.)  People should throw themselves at my feet and beg for the honor of eating my cookies...wait...why didn't I do that?!  (Note to self, at the next EEHU, make people beg at my feet for cookies...)

In this case, the cookies served a greater purpose.  I needed something to occupy myself while I stayed up all damn night. Mixing, chilling, and baking something around 24 dozen cookies used up the time nicely.  When they were done I made sure the "food" portion of my packing was ready to go, then went and sorted clothing.  And jewelry. And Stuff*.  And then went to bed for 3 hours or so.

Which brings us to Wednesday morning.  I got up, messed around online, as you do, (well, as I do), organized make-up and toiletries, then went back to bed for another 6.5 hours.  I was trying for a full 8, with the idea being that then I'd have no trouble staying up during the drive, but 6.5 was probably more than I should have expected.  I woke up around 7; this gave me ample time to get everything officially packed, get myself properly prepared (because shaving in a hotel shower = not fun) and the car loaded, with time to spare for more messing around online.

In support of messing around online:  a certain person was coming to WEEHU from destinations far, far away, and it would have been down-right rude of me to not talk with them as they were trying to stay up all of their respective night, right?  Right.

At 12:30am I set off for a weekend of trance, adventure, and smut.  Just the kind of vacation that suits me best!

Highlights of the drive include: never getting lost despite unexpected road closures/accidents along my route (thanks, Salem, Oregon and middle-of-nowhere California,) chatting with the cashier at the gas station in Yreka, and the orgasmic crescendo in "Pines of the Appian Way" happening just as the sun was rising over Mt. Shasta.  (Note to anyone who might care - "Pines of Rome" is my favorite piece of classical music, and "Pines of the Appian Way" is my favorite part of it.  It was written by Ottorino Respighi, whose works were a major influence on the style of John Williams, which you can hear quite clearly in this piece, especially in the use of woodwinds. But again, I digress.)

I arrived in beautiful Belmont, CA around 11am, and met up with Felix Krull for our traditional first-day-of-WEEHU brunch. (We've done it twice. Therefore it is now a tradition.)  While I awaited him, I chatted with the Calico via Skype, and was informed that, somewhere in the hotel, a Bannable Offense lingered.  After an exhaustive search (I walked over to the one person using a hotel provided computer to surf tumblr and asked the air "Is there a Bannable Offense within the sound of my voice? Turns out, there was) I located Banny and Felix and I dragged her to brunch with us.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more entertaining after a 10-ish hour drive than watching two highly educated people discuss the failings of our public educational system (as well as the negative impact of a societal expectation that college degree = smarter/better/etc has on some people) over omelettes.  Eventually, we used up all of Felix's lunch hour, and Banny and I went back and hung out in the foyer of the hotel some more.  If I recall correctly, that is when we encountered Dancecode, Unsunng, and W, two out of three whom I'd met the previous July at MEEHU. Others who trickled in while we sat around were Flower (who I'd met at MEEHU) and KnowingSmile, Max and Lily (who I met in September in Seattle), and Orchid-Girl (with whom I'd only chatted online) and AndSleep (who I'd met at WEEHU1.)  And of course Carneggy and Kat.  Who I know because Reasons.

I'm taking the time to point out how I know all these people because as recently as 6 months ago if you'd told me that I'd be attending an event and not only know a lot of people but call them my friends I would have scoffed at you.  It's kind of a big deal for me.

Anyhow, once Carneggy and Kat arrived we got to go up to our room.  I'm pretty sure people were impressed with the amount of stuff that I'd brought - that look on Carneggy's face was totally "I'm impressed" and not "I'm resigned". I'm totally sure. Yes.

Banny wasn't going to have a room until after 5, so she hung out with us, and got to see the grand unveiling of all the shoes, the clothes for Calico, the jewelry, and the Stuff*.  For some reason, she was really impressed with the high-test fishing line, although it sadly never got used for anything.  Did I take advantage of this time to nap?  OF COURSE NOT.  You are talking the crazy talk right now.  (I had been up for only 22 hours or so by this time. Piece of cake!)  Somewhere in all of this, ZanyM and MrDream's plane arrived, and we texted back and forth about the wonders of air travel and rental cars (and also whether or not Zany was going to make it to the hotel in time to ride with me back to the airport to pick up more people. She did not.)  So, right around 4:45 Banny and I went back to the airport to pick up Lee Allure and Lizzidoll.  I am not too proud to admit that I am a much better driver when there is no one else in the car.  I get distracted.  But we eventually made it to the airport, picked up our two lovely passengers, and after running a Very Important Errand involving blindfolds***, made it back to the hotel unscathed.  We collected Carneggy and Kat from where they had been resting and went back to hang out in Lee's rooms to chat until dinner time.  A bunch of us went to dinner at a local Afghan restaurant (which was fantastic) and I got to catch up with even more people who I'd met at previous events, including HypnoMaestro and Mephki.  I somehow ended up sitting next to Lizzidoll rather than Carneggy, Kat, and Heidi (a new friend from Seattle) - mostly because I blindly followed Liz left when I should have turned right, and thus got to have the fun of seeing her totally fangirl when she found out she was sitting across from HypnoMasterD.  I was definitely feeling the fatigue at this point; there were so many different conversations going on around me that I nearly drifted off into trance to compensate.  But only nearly.  After dinner we made it back to the hotel just in time for Lee, Lizzidoll, Zany, and I to practice our Sekrit Projekt before DJ Pynchon arrived.   That lasted all of 15 minutes before Pynch arrived, with the Calico in tow. There were hugs all around, then I ended up spending quite a bit of time in the adjoining room so that I was out of sight of the main room, for reasons that I shall go into in my Day 2 post. I will say that Pynchon also had to use an entire luggage cart for all of his stuff...but I fancy mine was more full.  I spent part of that time frozen like a statue, because why not, right?  But most of it in watching a mindless Lizzidoll make endless circuits between the two rooms.

Which brings us to the Highlight of the Evening.

The Highlight of the Evening
You, Gentle Reader, are hereby invited to imagine first-hand the delightful spectacle of a somewhat absent-minded DJ Pynchon realizing that the dazzling and entranced English Rose his unconscious mind had been preventing him from noticing was in fact the lovely Lizzidoll, come all the way from England for WEEHU.  It was the Best.Surprise.Ever.  They had a marvelous little meeting of minds, which I will admit I got a little spacey watching, and also a little turned on.  (You'd have to be dead to not have been a little turned on.) And that's all I'll say about that.****

Carneggy and Kat were getting over being sick, and I had been up for something like 28 hours at that point, so we toddled off to bed, so that we could be well-rested (for certain definitions of "rest") the next morning.



*the STUFF aka the things I collected that I thought would be useful in some way or another at an erotic hypnosis gathering.

the STUFF
items for goody bags for my Subjects Safe-Space talk
high-test fishing line
electrical tape
standard tape measure
bell (the kind you ring for service at a shop counter, not the kind you ring for service from your servants.)
a leash
plastic covered clips (five for a dollar at the Dollar Tree)
magic markers
curling ribbon
compressed air canister

**what I call Lemon Flavored Paint Thinner. If properly aged, it would have been Limoncello. And I have two other bottles of it that will be marvelous in two months or so. But this stuff...definitely still paint thinner.

***the BLINDFOLDS, a necessary object for anyone participating in a certain brain-washing class later on...

****There will be a participant's version of the Hightlight of the Evening available if there is enough interest. Well, participants? Did you read the footnotes?


A note about footnotes:  I am perfectly well aware that I do not organize my footnotes "properly". I don't care. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yes, I do actually say "time's a'wastin'" in actual conversation. But that's neither here nor there.

So, recently someone referred to me as "one of the best diarists out there" which kind of blew my mind, and not a little bit because I've neglected that aspect of my writing for a significant time.  You know, the part where I expose myself emotionally (but somewhat anonymously) through trifling words and shaky metaphors, right here where anyone can see it?

It's a little bit different now, you see. People know me now. People whose actions might have inspired my writing will read these words and possibly want to talk about them. Or will want to "fix" whatever it is they think they've done.  And I don't want that.  I want to be able to write here, completely free of self-consciousness, the way I used to, and hopefully still give insights into things that might help someone else at the same time.

So, today we're going to talk about what it's like to have lived as an emotional (and actual) hermit for years, then get involved with a group of wonderful people who are all interested in many of the same things I am; what it feels like to forge friendships within that community, and how it feels to suddenly be wrestling with emotions like envy, jealousy, and my personal favorite, feeling inadequate.

It all stems, weirdly, from having friends that tell me how great I am. How smart, how creative, how talented, how beautiful (more on that insanity in just a little bit), how sexy (and this insanity as well). I know my strengths.  I will give you smart, just not as smart as I'd like to be.  I will give you creative, albeit in a fairly non-earth-shaking way.  I will give you talented; I am fully aware that I am a little bit good at a lot of different things within the creative spectrum.  And I promise to address "beautiful" and "sexy" before the end of this post.

But for now, we're going to talk about how my first reaction to having people tell me how great I am is to say "yes, but." Yes, but if I were really that fantastic, why have most of the people with whom I've tried to be friends in my life turned out to be such asshats?  And then I remember that it's only the people whom I've really let myself get close to emotionally that have been horrible.  It's only the people who convinced me that they were actually sincere that I trusted enough to be hurt by.  I've had lots of people in my life that I can charitably call "friend" who think they know me, who throw the word "friend" around as if they know what it means to me; those people have never done anything to hurt me, are always happy to see me around, and are quite fun to hang out with from time to time, although I suspect that if I ever had a serious need they'd disappear.

Did I just describe the human race?  I'm really not sure.

My pattern my entire life has been to have one close friend - a BFF if you will, although that term certainly didn't exist in 1981 when Kate F----- and I spent the summer playing "girl detective" - she was the detective and I was the sidekick.  I had a different friend every year; for a long time I remembered which year was which by which friend I'd had. First grade was Emily, second grade was Karen, third grade was Irene, fourth grade was Kate, fifth grade was Kerry...the one thing they all had in common was that they moved away after a year.  And I was not good at keeping in touch. If there'd been email, and facebook, and skype, and all the wonders of living in the future, then who knows, but in those days it was far easier for me, the kid with major abandonment issues, to just let them slip away.

But I am digressing.

I had one friend through all of jr high (and she's a whole 'nother kind of story), one friend through high school, one friend in college.  I am a person who always longed for a loving community (see lack of affection from my family) but never found more than one person at a time in whom I could trust.

Then, somewhat miraculously (well it felt like a miracle), I fell in with an extremely close-knit group of people who (bonus!) were all part of the same family, and they sucked me right in.  For the first time I was part of an emotionally demonstrative group that seemed to really really like me, one of whom seemed to be really really attracted to me, (which was convenient, since I was really really attracted to him), and I let them have my heart.

And they crushed it.

This is the pre-hypnosis me.  A lifetime loner, a woman with fears of rejection and abandonment that were off the scale, who'd thought she'd found some sort of community (not realizing that someone wanting you around is not the same as them being good to be around), whose defining emotional characteristic (to her eyes anyway) was life-sucking, bone-breaking, heart-killing loneliness.

I've written enough about my early experiences with erotic hypnosis that I don't feel like I need to go into it again.  Suffice it to say that I had a bad experience emotionally that kept me from feeling like I could trust anyone for a year and a half, then slowly re-emerged into the community and have been getting more and more active and more and more passionate about it ever since.

I have friends again.  I have a community again.  I have people who are worth being hurt for.

Which brings us to WEEHU.

You might recall from previous posts (and if you haven't read them, that's okay too) that I have previously attended the first WEEHU, then skipped a year.  In that year I actually attended MEEHU (in Chicago) which was a genuine life-altering experience for me, and where I really started creating some of the friendships that have come to mean so much to me.

And WEEHU this year was so incredibly fantastic!  You don't really know how invigorating being able to walk with confidence into a room and know in your bones that you aren't going to be judged and rejected is until you've had the experience.  That is what all of the hypno-centric events have become for me - the places I can go and know without any doubt that I am accepted as I am.

I will write actual posts about what I did at WEEHU. This is not that kind of post.  This is the post where I talk about how I felt, and specifically talk about some of the negative feelings that I had to overcome while I was there (and to be honest am still working through) -  which in a weird way tie back into the insanity of anyone thinking I am beautiful and/or sexy. Desirable even. What nonsense is this?

I am so grateful for the things I got to do!  I have never felt more cared for than I did over this weekend. People made such an effort to do wonderful, compassionate things for me that I feel like an ass being upset over the things that didn't get done.

Things that didn't get done in large part due to a lack of assertiveness on my part.  Because even now, in a setting where I feel completely safe and accepted, there is still that part of me that knows that if I remind people of things they committed to I'll be nagging, if I ask for what has been promised I'll be whining, if I suggest that these things are more important than those that are actually being done I'll be called ungrateful and worse, be told that there'd never been a real intention of doing them in the first place.

Two of the three things that didn't happen have been discussed and hopefully replanned and will happen at some other meet-up in some other city, and all parties involved, while still sad that things went awry, are at least now content to await the future.

The third thing has never been discussed. Mostly because I am too insecure to do it face to face, and have resolved to write about it here, where, even though it's an illusion, I can pretend that I have anonymity.

So, let's talk about sex, baby.  (And now you'll have that stuck in your head for awhile.)  Let's talk about you and me. (Just cementing it.)  Let's talk about how easy it is when you're being pulled in so many different directions by so many wonderful people, to just go with the flow and not think about the people who aren't around.  If I were confident and assertive I would have just marched across the hall (as other people were wont to do) and say "Hey, are we doing this or not?  Time's a'wastin'."  Yes, I do actually say "time's a'wastin'" in actual conversation. But that's neither here nor there. But I'm not that girl.

I Am Not That Woman.  I know in my core, to my bones, through every bit of every molecule that makes up my being that I am not attractive, that I am not desirable, that I am not sexy; that what I have to offer is my mind and my voice and my pen, and while those are all fine things they do not inspire someone to say to the svelte and sexy woman in front of them "Hey you know, you're smoking hot and all, but I promised this kind of time to someone else already and I'm going to go find her now."  I get it.  I really do.  But it never stops hurting, knowing that the person that I am (the only kind of person I know how to be) will never be the woman that is thought of without nagging, without reminding, without prompting.

I also am completely aware that I am being ridiculous. That without communication no one ever accomplishes anything and that it was fully within my power to nag, to prompt, to remind - and no one would have taken it negatively.

But I want to be WANTED.  I want to be wanted without having to do that.  And I'm pretty sure at this point that I never will be.  But I can live with it. I've had a lot of practice.

If you've read this far, you've the fortitude of an atomic blast and you should give yourself a huge pat on the back. But carefully, atomic blasts can be volatile.  There will be actual "what I did at WEEHU" posts forthcoming...eventually.

And I'll try to remember to update this particular blog more often than every 4 months.

ClickBate/ClickBait (Story Challenge!)

Soooooooo

The other day I somehow volunteered myself as part of a story-writing challenge with the marvelous DJ Pynchon (and by 'volunteered' I mean agreed when he asked me to do it).  We were inspired by a conversation about clicker training and its applications for erotic hypno-play, and from out of that came something interesting I hope.  As always, this story may not be suitable for reading at work, in front of small-minded people, or possibly dog trainers.

Part 1 – CLICKBATE

“CLICK”

                Darcy sprawled across the couch in her robe and slippers, and glared at Sam. 

“Yes, that’s what I’m talking about!” she said.  “The thing where you click your fingers!  Every time you click I lose track of what I was saying, and it’s starting to get irritating!”  She did her best to stare Sam into apologizing.  “When I agreed to let you try to hypnotize me I didn’t realize that you were going to tease me instead.”

“There is no ‘try’ happening here, Darcy, only ‘do’.  I’ve been putting you under since lunch, you just don’t remember it.”

“Oh please, there’s no way that can be true.  I’d know it if we’d been here all day long.”  Darcy checked the clock, which read 9:27.

“Really?  And you’re in your robe because?”

“Obviously because it’s still morning and I haven’t dressed yet.”  She sat up straight, causing the robe to gape.

“And the reason you have nothing on under your robe is?”

“Sam, you know you stopped me on my way to showering to issue your little challenge.”  She put her hands on her hips defiantly, arching her back and exposing her breasts.

“And the reason you’re posing for me like that is?”

“Because you have hypnotized me into being an exhibitionist tart.”  On the word ‘tart’, Darcy slumped back into the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“CLICK”

                Darcy sprawled across the couch in her robe and slippers, and stared at Sam.

                “You keep doing that clicking thing with your fingers, right when I’m about to say something really important, it’s really annoying never getting to finish what I’m saying.”  She did her best to glare at Sam, but she kept getting distracted by the large clock over the fireplace.  “It’s already 9:30?  Have you been trying to hypnotize me all morning?”

“I don’t have to try, Darcy, you’ve made it so easy for me.  And I’ve been hypnotizing you all day, you just don’t remember.”

“Don’t be silly, I’m in my robe, it’s still morning.”  She sat up straight in order to better show off her bathrobe.

“And the reason you have nothing on under your robe is?”

“Because as soon as you give up I’m going to shower, of course.”  Darcy slid her robe off her shoulders, letting it pool around her lap.

“And the reason you’re showing me your breasts right now?”

“Because you’ve hypnotized me into wanting to be naked for you.” Darcy slumped back into the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“CLICK”

Darcy sprawled across the couch in only her slippers, and tried to focus her eyes on Sam.

“Do you have to keep clicking at me like that?  I forgot what I was going say.”  She breathed deeply, and settled into the couch a little more firmly.  “What time is it anyway?  Are you going to try to hypnotize me soon?

“I have already hypnotized you Darcy.  You just don’t remember.”

“What?  No, I just got up just now, look, I haven’t dressed yet.”  She struggled to sit up, leaning heavily on the arm of the couch.

“And the reason you aren’t wearing your robe anymore would be?”

“Duh.  I haven’t put it on yet.”  Darcy  swayed back and forth in time to her words, swinging her breasts.

“And the reason you’re making sure I really get a good look at your tits right now is?”

“Because you’ve hypnotized me into loving having you look at my tits.” Darcy slumped back into the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“CLICK”

Darcy sprawled across the couch and blinked dully at Sam.

“Um, did you do the click thing again?  I have to tell you something.”  She concentrated hard on remembering what she wanted to say.  “It’s really important.”

“I have to do the click thing Darcy, it’s part of me hypnotizing you.”

“Oo are you hypnotizing me?  That sounds fun.”  Darcy smiled brightly at Sam.

“Do you want to put some clothes on first?”

“But I want to be naked and horny!” She whined.

“And you want to be naked and horny why?”

“Because you’ve hypnotized me into being your horny little slut!”  Darcy slumped back into the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“CLICK”

Darcy sprawled across the couch and floated in the bliss of being near Sam.

“This is fun, do it again!” she begged.  “I love when you make me feel all warm and floaty and horny!”

“That’s a good girl, Darcy. Happy to have me hypnotizing you?”

“Oh god yes!  I’m so horny I just want you to make me feel good!” She wriggled on the couch, using her body to invite Sam to fuck her.

“Darcy, it looks like you are trying to tell me something.  What is it?”

“Oh Sam, I want you to fuck me, can you fuck me? Now? Please?”  Darcy pleaded with Sam.

“Darcy, why are you asking me to fuck you?”

“Because I want you to fuck me!”  she explained breathlessly.

“And why do you want me to fuck you?”

“Because I asked you to hypnotize me into being a sex-crazed bimbo!”  Darcy slumped back into the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“CLICK”

Part 2 – CLICKBAIT

Sam parked in the driveway of Alyssa’s house, and congratulated himself again on finding a play partner who liked hypnosis as much as he did.  He had been sitting at a table alone at the student union coffee shop watching people pass by when she had come up behind him, tapping him on the top of his head and making him jump a foot into the air.

“Watcha reading there, Sam-I-am?” she asked.  “Looks like a big dry text book!  We can’t have that, it’s practically the weekend!” 

“It’s a book about hypnosis,” he’d told her, “I’m reading it for an extra credit project for Psych 101.”

It had turned out that Alyssa had been interested in hypnosis ever since watching “The Jungle Book” in grade school.  “Something about Kaa, those swirly snake eyes, it pushed all my buttons before I even knew what that meant.  I’ve been finding people to hypnotize me ever since!”

Sam couldn’t believe his luck, running into a beautiful girl who got off on hypnosis and was willing to let him practice on her.  He’d asked her if she wanted to meet up the following weekend and she’d enthusiastically agreed, and now here he was at her doorstep.  His knock at the door was answered by a cacophony of barking.

“Sam!  Hi!  Don’t mind the dogs, they love to say hello to people.”  She ushered him through the front door into the presence of two twitching and excited border collies.  “This is Mollie,” she said, pointing to the smaller, slightly fox-faced dog, “and this is Tippie.”  The larger dog barked once when she heard her name, and stared adoringly at Alyssa.  “They really belong to my parents, but I’m dog-sitting while they are out of town.  Come all the way in, they wouldn’t hurt a fly.”  She led Sam through the kitchen and into the living room, pausing to retrieve a small gadget from off the counter.  “We’ve just been working on a little obedience training while we waited for you.”

“Do they need training? They seem so well behaved.”  Both dogs were sitting intently at Alyssa’s feet, obviously waiting for something.

“Oh yes, I keep working with them so they won’t forget their lessons.  My folks kind of let them do whatever they want, which includes things like jumping on people and barking at nothing, so I help train them pretty much weekly. Today we are really concentrating on being calm around strangers.”

“How does the gadget fit into all of this?”

“Oh, this?” she said, holding it up.  “This is a clicker.  Instead of rewarding them with a treat when they’ve accomplished a task, I click it.  Eventually they learn to associate the “click” with the task itself.”

“So when you click they know to do the task?  Instead of having to be coached to do it?”

“Exactly!”

“That sounds exactly like you’re hypnotizing them to respond to a trigger, like snapping your fingers or something.”

“You know, it does, I hadn’t really thought of that.  But you’ve reminded me of why you’re really here,” she said with a smile. “I’ll just let these two out to play in the yard and be right back.  Help yourself to something to drink if you want.”  She opened the slider door to the yard.  “Come on doggles! Time to scare bunnies out of the garden!”  The two dogs ran for the door, sliding on the hardwood floor and careening outside.  “There,” Alyssa said as she closed the door, “Now we can work without feeling like we’re being stared at.  Let’s go sit.”

*    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    

“All right, Alyssa,” Sam said after she had made herself comfortable on the couch in the living room, “We’ll do this just like we talked about at the coffee shop.  Go ahead and close your eyes if you want to, and just relax and listen to my voice.”  He talked her through a brief relaxation exercise and was pleased to see her breathing start to slow and deepen almost immediately.  “Now, Alyssa, I know you’ve done this before, I know you know how it feels to slow down and relax.  I know you know how it feels to let the world become still around you and inside you while you relax and listen to my voice.

“I know you know that the deeper you go the better you feel, and the better you feel the deeper you go.  Just repeat that for me now while you concentrate on your breathing.”

Alyssa took a deep breath, held it, and let it out.  “The deeper I go the better I feel.”  She took another deep breath in the same way.  “The better I feel the deeper I go.”  Sam let her repeat herself for several repetitions, then began to speak again. 

“As you keep breathing and repeating, Alyssa, I want you to imagine you are in a hallway.  At the end of the hallway is a door.  As you keep breathing and repeating, I’d like you to walk to that door, open it, and walk through.  When you’ve walked through the door, leave the words “the deeper I go the better I feel and the better I feel the deeper I go’ behind you and shut the door.”  He eagerly watched as her quiet chanting slowed, then stopped.  “Very good Alyssa.  Have you shut the door behind you?”

“Yes,” she said distinctly. 

“That’s interesting,” thought Sam, breathing deeply, “I always have trouble speaking clearly when I am hypnotized.”  He watched Alyssa breath for a little while longer, enjoying how the synchronicity of breathing with her made him feel. 

“Alyssa, there is another doorway at the end of the hall.  Can you see it?”

“Yes. I can see it.”

“I’d like you to walk through that doorway as well, and tell me when you’ve gone through and shut it behind you.”  He thought about how being hypnotized always made him feel a little warm, like he’d been basking in the sun, as he waited for her to speak.

“Okay, I’m through it.” She said.

“Good girl.”  Sam started to continue, but suddenly all his carefully planned words were gone.

“Good girl,” he repeated, stalling for time.

“Good girl,” he said for the third time, and had to close his eyes as a wave of disorientation hit him.

“Why would I want to be a good girl when I can be a bad girl?” asked Alyssa.  “Open your eyes Sam, and look at me.”  Sam struggled to open his eyes.  Alyssa was sitting up and looking at him, all the while breathing slowly and deeply. 

“Yes, Sam, I am still hypnotized.  This is one of my fantasies, having us both be hypnotized together.  Do you remember at the student union, when we talked about our fantasies?”

(“wouldn’t that be amazing?” she had said, looking deeply into his eyes. “both of us going down together?”  he had agreed and looked into her eyes, and been unable to look away.)

“Yes,” he said.  He could feel himself slipping deeper as he thought about the conversation.  She had said something about being deep and being triggered and

Click

“That’s very good Sam, remembering us talking together about being hypnotized makes you feel more and more hypnotized right now.  And as you go deeper I go deeper.”  Alyssa shivered with arousal.

“Sam, do you remember at the student union, when we counted each other down?”

(“no one will even notice,” she had said.  “I’ll start. ten.” and they had continued to count down, alternating numbers, until Sam had started to feel distinctly woozy.)

“Yes,” he said, remembering more.  She had used the clicker then, hadn’t she? He began counting down.

Click

“I bet you’re counting down right now, remembering it.  I am counting down too.” Alyssa moaned a little as Sam carefully started counting from ten to one, mouthing the words silently.

“Sam, do you remember at the student union, I said I would help you fulfill your fantasy?”

(“it’ll be so great.” She had said.  “you’ll hypnotize me and I’ll go deep, and you’ll fall with me.  fall so so deep without even knowing it.  you’ll call me a good girl when you are ready to have your fantasy fulfilled.”)

“Yes,” he said. His cock twitched as he remembered and heard

Click

“Very good Sam, you’re doing so well. You’re making me wet right now, you’re turning me on so much, and the more turned on I am the more turned on you’ll be.”  She unzipped her jeans and slid her hand down into her wetness.

“Sam, do you remember at the student union telling me how to get you to cum?”

(after they had finished counting, they had imagined the kink that they each wanted to explore, and when she heard Sam’s, Alyssa had said “mmm, I love that idea, I’m getting turned on already, and as I get more turned on you get more turned on.”)

“Yes,” he said, his cock throbbing in his jeans.  He could hardly wait for the next

Click

“Oh my god Sam, this is so hot, I’m getting so close to cumming, I’m getting so fucking close!”  She fingered her clit rapidly, gasping for breath.

“Do you remember…ooohhhh…Sam, do you remember, at the student union, agreeing to let me give you an orgasm trigger for when we played together?”

(she had been very stern as she told him that he would only cum when she told him he could.  he hadn’t minded.)

“Yes,” he said, his breathing gasping and ragged, but still in time with her.  They both gasped together as they heard

Click

“In just a moment, Sam, oh god, in just a moment Sam we’re going to cum together, we’re going to cum together, all you have to do is remember what you told me your fantasy was.” She arched her back and continued to moan as she fingered herself.

“Sam, Sam, Sam do you remember telling me what your fantasy was? Do you remember?”

(you’ll scream them for me, Sam, three little words and when you do you’ll cum and when you cum I’ll cum”

“Yes,” he said, feeling his need grow as he listened to her writhe in front of him.

“Do it now Sam, now Sam so we can cum!”  she ordered him and

Click

“Bait…” he gasped…

                                                                “and”

                                                                                                                “switch!”

Click

Water, or This is What Happens When It’s 8 Days to MEEHU and I Kind of Fancy Having an Interrogation Scene

This is something a little different, you can maybe almost even safely read it at work.  (Yes indeed, that means no obvious smut.)

Debrief Transcript (Trance Aided), Agent 12, RE: events of 10^th July 2015

               I approach the door to my hotel room and something’s off, something’s wrong, but I’m not sure what.  I examine the hallway, the light fixtures, the doorjamb – and there it is, the thing that tipped me off.  I always scatter salt under the door, it catches in the ridges of the jamb and is nearly impossible to clean up completely. Opening the door changes the pattern, and I am dead certain that someone has been in my room, and is probably still there.  I wasn’t having any fun at this convention anyhow, it’s time to blow.

               I find my partner, Agent 5, milling about with the real writers in line for the hotel-catered lunch.  I catch his eye and give him a thumbs up, which is our prearranged signal for “we’re blown, rendezvous later” and head for my personal escape route. Through the maze of rooms allotted to the Romance Writers of America Conference, (we’ve built our covers as two moderately successful authors over several years, 5 even writes his own material), down the freight elevator, out through the kitchens.  It’s just outside the lift that they catch me, clubbing me on the back of the head.  I go down hard, my body just quits on me, and I think ‘at least I warned…’

               “Fitzroy, is it? Nice alias.” are the first words I hear when I come to. Damn.  They’ve nabbed 5 as well.  I can’t see him, but I can hear someone needling him, doing obvious pre-interrogation patter, and I know it’s only a matter of time before it’s my turn.  Time to see what I have to work with.  There’s not much.  I’m tied to one of those rolling office chairs, wrists to the arm rests, legs to the pedestal, you know the drill.  I’m in what looks like a room within the Con hotel, double beds, over-size flatscreen, mini-fridge, those ridiculous lamps that attach to the wall next to the beds, you know, the ones you can never find the switch for?  There’s something weird about these lamps though. They’re putting out perfectly round halos of light, halos that seem to spin around the room on a line of light, entering my vision from the right and exiting on the left.  It’s almost impossible not to try and track them as they move, and it’s when I try to turn my head to follow them that I realize my head is being held in place somehow.  It’s a variation on the old ‘shine a light in their eyes’ trick, but I am confident that I can withstand it.  

               It’s almost a relief though when one of my captors comes in to view, blocking the lights.  Because of the glare, I can’t get more than just a sense of him – tall, powerful, probably over-confident because he’s looming over me and I’m tied to a chair.  When he starts to speak, his voice is mild, almost gentle, and barely audible.  

               “You’re going to have to speak up if you want this to work,” I taunt, and he slaps me.  Really puts his shoulder behind it, and it’s when my head bounces off the back of Agent 5’s that I realize that we are tied back to back.  Someone is talking to him as well, but he has the sense to learn from my mistake and keeps quiet.

               “You don’t get to speak,” says the tall man.  “You get to sit there and listen while my friend milks Agent 5 for everything he knows.”

               “Really? Are you going to hit me every time I make a noise then?” I ask.  He answers me with a feint towards a backhand, but stops before he does anything but barely contact my skin.  

               “No, Agent 12, I think in your case we’ll have to try something different.”  He fusses with something outside of my range of vision, when he turns he’s got a hypodermic in his hand.  ‘Great’ I think.  ‘Drugs. I can deal with drugs.’  I don’t struggle when he injects me, which seems to surprise him, but that’s because he doesn’t know about the new anti-interrogation techniques that the Agency has perfected.  I’m proof against any chemical he wants to use to try and make me talk.

               I can feel it though.  In training I practiced this, how to ride the wave of relaxation and lethargy that trickles over me.  Of course, once the drug became part of the scenario my plan of attack changes. It’s no longer ‘escape as soon as possible’, it’s going to be quite some time before my reactions and reflexes will be back up to par.   Now it’s ‘withstand their interrogation’.  The tall man starts to talk again, I have to really concentrate to hear him.

               “You are going to be quiet Agent 12, as quiet as Agent 5 is talkative, until we find out what we need to know.”

               “I’m really not, you know.” I answer. You can’t tell from my voice that the drug is affecting me.  Maybe my breathing has slowed down a little bit, but not enough to betray me.  The tall man laughs at me.  Laughs in my face.

               “You’re not what?  Not going to be quiet?”  He steps to the side and the lights are back in my eyes again.  I notice that they take exactly the same amount of time to revolve around me as it takes to take one breath.  In and they are on my right, out and they are on my right.  

               “No,’ I say.  “I’m not really a quiet sort of person.”  And if I’m talking then 5 can be silent.  The tall man’s friend is still muttering behind me.  I can’t quite make it out, but I think 5 is getting the same speech that I am.  Don’t talk, listen while your partner talks.  I feel the drug slowing me down, making my body feel like it’s in slow motion. The tall man’s friend is talking about how easy it is be silent and rest, about how hard it is to speak when your muscles are so heavy and tired from the drug, how easy it would be to just rest and let me do all the talking.

               “Let me do all the talking” I say to 5.  I think he says it to me at the same time.  The lights are on my right and I breathe in. “Don’t speak” I say to 5.  The tall man grabs me by the hair, a good strong grip, and wrenches my head around. “Don’t speak” he says to me.  I can barely feel the pain from the hair pull. The drug they gave me has made everything slow and heavy and I feel like I am buried under a mile of cotton. Nothing he does will hurt me.  I am safe from pain in this cocoon.  It’s just like we were taught at the Agency. Use their tools against them.

               They are circling us, the tall man and his partner, talking at the same time, sometimes alternating with each other, but always talking in that quiet voice that I can barely hear.  It is so frustrating not to be able to hear clearly.

               “You really have to concentrate to hear clearly” says the tall man.  For a second, I forget that I need to talk to keep 5 from talking, but I remember just in time.  “I really have to concentrate to hear clearly” I say to the tall man.  The lights are on my right and I breathe in.  The tall man’s accomplice tells 5 “You must speak so that your partner won’t talk.”  Oh no! Before 5 can answer I say “I must speak so that my partner won’t talk.”  I really have to concentrate to hear clearly, the voices are so indistinct, hard to pin down where they are coming from or what they are saying.  I notice that the lights are slowing down.  I breathe in and they are to my right, I breathe out and they are to my right.  I can’t forget to keep talking, I must speak so that my partner won’t talk.

               “I must speak so that my partner won’t talk” I say to the tall man as he and his accomplice continue to circle me.  They circle me like the lights circle me.  I breathe in and they are on my right, I breathe out and they are on my right.

               “I think he’s just about ready” says the tall man, referring to 5.  His partner looks at me and says “She is too, let’s turn them.”  My body is so heavy it’s like it’s become part of the chair.  The world spins on me and I can’t stop it, it keeps going and going and I’ve forgotten something that I’m supposed to do, something important.  I finally realize that I can’t be spinning, because the lights are still circling me, and now I am facing Agent 5.  He looks confused and dazed, like he’s forgotten something.  We’ve both forgotten something.

               “Did you forget already?” teases the tall man. “You have to speak so your partner won’t talk.”  

               “Did you forget already?” taunts the tall man’s accomplice.  “You have to speak so your partner won’t talk.”

               I am staring at 5 and he is staring at me.  We are locked eye to eye, I can see the reflection of the lights there as they go around and around.  They are getting even slower.  The lights are on my right and I breathe in.  The lights are on my right and I breathe out.  I notice that 5 is breathing at the same time that I do.  I watch the lights reflected in his eyes. The lights are on his left and he breathes in.  The lights are on his left and he breathes out.

               “Agent 12, I have some questions for you” says the tall man.  His accomplice tells 5 “You must speak so your partner won’t talk.”

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” I say before 5 can answer.

               “Agent 5, I have some questions for you” says the tall man’s accomplice.  The tall man tells me “You must speak so your partner won’t talk.”

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” 5 says before I can answer.

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” We say together.

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” We breathe together.

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.”  We chant together.

               My body is a weight pulling me down.  The lights circle me and I can’t stop staring at them. Across from me, 5 slumps in his chair, but I can tell that he is staring at the lights too.  It’s hard to think.  I have to speak so my partner won’t talk, but I don’t know what to say.

               “You don’t have to think” says the tall man.

               “You don’t have to think” says his accomplice.

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” we explain to them.  

               “You don’t have to think.” they say.  “All you have to do is respond.”

               “I must speak so my partner won’t talk.” we plead.

               “We will think for you.” they say.

               “You can speak without thinking.” says the tall man.

               “You can speak without thinking, so your partner won’t talk.” says his accomplice.

               “I can speak without thinking, so my partner won’t talk.” We say.

               “Our words are your words.” They say.

               “Your words are my words.”

               “You can speaking without thinking, our words are your words.”

               “I can speak without thinking, your words are my words.”

               We speak together.  We breathe together.  The lights circle us.  They are on my right and we breathe in.  They are on my left and we breathe in.  We speak, so the other won’t talk.  We can speak without thinking.

               -transcript ends-

               “Well, that was certainly interesting.” said the Deputy Director.  He flipped a switch and turned off the monitor.  “I guess you were right about hypnosis being the wrong way to go with interrogation resistance.”  He stretched to his full height, joints popping as he did so.  “If it was that easy for us to break them, think of the damage our enemies could do.  They could have all our secrets in an afternoon. I’m glad you came to me with this. I’ll make sure that your higher ups in Research know how instrumental you were in this discovery.”

               “It was very interesting the way they reacted, wasn’t it?” asked the research tech. “Of course I have worked very hard in the process of teaching them how to withstand interrogation to prepare them for the moment when they are completely open and can be programmed to do anything I need.” She smiled at the Deputy Director. “By the way,“ she said, grabbing a bottled water from the mini-fridge, “It’s time to relax for me, relax right there where you are standing, perfectly comfortable and perfectly content to listen to my words.”  She popped the water open and drained it.  “This is thirsty work!  Now let’s you and I plan the best way for me to continue to infiltrate your organization.

Darcy At The Dealership

At least I got some writing done while they were working on my car today!
This post contains sexual themes not suitable for children et cetera et cetera ad nauseum.
Also, if you enjoy what you read, please consider helping me solve some of my car problems by contributing here.  Thanks!

Darcy In The Shower (Because I promised you smut)

The following is for mature audiences only, and contains sexual scenes and contexts that might be offensive to some.  You have been warned!